"Fei? What is it?" Duo demanded anxiously. Seeing his lover pale and start shaking uncontrollably as the result of opening a letter was *seriously* disturbing.



"My clan - Meilan's clan - some of them are alive..." Wufei said in disbelief.



"Fei - that's wonderful news!" Duo exclaimed. Wufei had blamed himself for the loss of all those lives ever since the colony had chosen to self-destruct rather than be used against him. To find out that at least some of his clan - and that of his dead wife - were alive was incredible news. "Why'd they take so long to let you know?"



"They couldn't find me," Wufei answered distractedly, re-reading the letter. "The security that Heero set up for all five of us kept them from being able to verify I was even alive. Sending a letter to Preventers HQ addressed to me was a long-shot."



Looking up from the letter, Wufei said, "The surviving elders want me to meet with them. They've enclosed directions to set up the meeting if I actually received the letter."



Sensing some hesitance on Wufei's part, Duo asked gently, "Are you going to go?"



"I... I must. Honour and duty to my clan demands it," the Chinese youth answered.



"Do you want me to go with you?"



"NO!"



Duo winced, hurt by Wufei's vehement rejection of his offer. He had thought to support Wufei the same way that Wufei had supported him when he returned to L2 to lay his memories to rest.



"I'm sorry Duo," Wufei apologized quietly, rising to embrace him. "The elders have requested that I come alone to meet with them and I must honour that request. They undoubtedly have their reasons."



Duo willingly responded to Wufei's embrace, contentedly laying his head against Wufei's shoulder. "It's okay, Fei. I understand. Your honour's one of the things I love about you. I can't fault you for acting according to it."



"Thank you... I love you, Duo. Always..." Wufei answered before tilting Duo's head back and kissing him deeply, almost urgently. Something about the kiss and the lovemaking that followed disturbed Duo at the time, but he did not put a name to that additional element then. That came later - after finding out the *cause* of it. Only after finding out exactly why the elders had summoned Wufei did Duo understand why his passion had been tinged with desperation.



***



A shadow fell across Heero's desk. Without even looking, he knew who it was. He and Duo had been partners long enough that he could pick him out of a crowd blindfolded. And if Heero wished that they were more than partners, he knew that would never happen. He had been too slow in figuring out his deepening feelings for the first friend he'd ever had and best partner he could ever hope for. By the time he'd realized he loved Duo Maxwell, Chang Wufei had already wooed him and won his heart. And Heero loved Duo too much to hope for the destruction of that happiness, even if that was the only way he would ever have his own.



Being Duo's best friend was enough. It had to be. Though it could be very, very difficult at times, listening to Duo's rapturous description of the romantic evening Wufei had planned or some other event in their lives together. At least Duo's conversation during this week-long mission had been focussed on his curiosity over exactly what was going on at Wufei's meeting with his clan elders. Duo had barely been able to stand waiting till they finished briefing Une on their mission before dashing off to find Wufei. Heero was actually surprised that he was back this soon. He'd expected to have the entire report typed up before Duo returned.



"I've got the first half of the report finished, Duo. Just grab it off the printer and check it over to see if I've left anything out," Heero said distractedly. The shadow didn't move. Heero looked up from his work. "Duo?"



One look told Heero something was terribly, horribly wrong. Jumping up from his desk, he crossed the room to close and lock the door and shut the blinds before turning back to his partner. Raking his eyes over Duo's white face and wide, fever-bright eyes, Heero reached out to stop Duo's frantic twisting of his braid. "Duo, what is it? What's wrong? Did something happen to Wufei?"



Duo choked out a half-laugh, half-sob. "Did something happen to Wufei?" he echoed. "Did something happen to Wufei?" His voice rose with each repetition, breaking as he started to laugh hysterically before choking the laughter off again with an obvious effort. "I guess you could say that, Heero."



Duo's suddenly unnaturally calm voice contrasted sharply with his wild-eyed expression. Heero didn't know what to say or do. 'If Wufei had been killed or seriously injured while we were gone, Une would have broken the news in private but made certain I or one of the others knew and was there,' he thought. So it couldn't be that. But whatever had happened, it had to be very, very bad. Duo was on a razor-thin edge right now. Heero did not think he had *ever* seen Duo this close to a complete breakdown. Not sure if he was doing the right thing, he coaxed gently, "Tell me."



"My lover got fucking *engaged* while I was gone, *that's* what happened, Heero," Duo spat out, swinging from near tears to enraged in an instant. "His fucking clan elders informed him that the sister of his dead wife had survived and it was his goddamned duty to marry her. And does my adoring lover tell them no, he's sorry, he doesn't swing that way and he's already *in* a committed relationship? Oh no, of course not, that would tarnish his goddamned bloody fucking *honour*!"



Duo's voice had risen as he spoke. He sprang across the office to snatch the large photo of himself and Wufei on their first day in their new house off his desk and fling it clear across the office to smash against the wall. Glass shattered and flew everywhere. Duo grabbed the next memento from his desk, a glass paperweight that Wufei had given him, and dashed it to the tile floor at his feet, smashing it as well, before crumpling to the floor himself, heedless of the glass shards being ground into his legs and hands.



Heero listened in growing horror as Duo spoke. This was quite possibly *worse* than if Wufei had been killed. If Wufei felt that his honour compelled him to go through with the marriage, he would do it, no matter the cost. And the cost to Duo would be high. Very, very high. Losing Wufei to death would have been terrible, but at least it would not have been Wufei's *choice* to leave Duo. Duo had suffered so many losses in his short life and had always managed to bounce back, injured but not broken. This loss - this loss might be the one that finally finished the job.



When Duo dropped to the floor in the midst of the shattered glass and started rocking back and forth, Heero sprang forward with a cry of protest. "Duo!" Scooping his partner off the floor, Heero deposited Duo in his own chair. "Fuck," he muttered at the amount of blood seeping through Duo's pants and slicking his palms. Glass shards glittered through the red liquid. Grabbing his phone, Heero punched in an extension. 'Come on, Trowa, pick up...' he urged silently.



"Hello?"



"Quatre? What are you - never mind. Is Trowa there?" Heero demanded. Quatre didn't work for Preventers, but at the moment Heero didn't care why he was there and answering Trowa's phone for him. He was just grateful to have another friend to fall back on. Duo was going to need all of them.



"Yes, just..."



"No, don't bother getting him. Just have him bring a first aid kit - the field use type - and come to my office immediately. You too. Do *NOT*, I repeat, do *NOT* bring Chang."



"What..."



"*NOW*, Quatre!" Heero snarled before slamming the phone back down.



Throughout Heero's conversation, Duo had simply sat and rocked, arms wrapped around himself, staring unseeingly across the room. He had flinched slightly at Heero's mention of Wufei, but no other reaction was visible.



"Duo?" Heero said gently, trying to pull Duo's hands away from him before he ground the glass in any deeper. "Duo... Don't. You're hurting yourself. Please - let me help you."



"Help me?" Duo whispered so softly Heero had to strain to hear him. "You can't help me, Heero... Nobody can... Fei *is* his honour - if he does this, I lose him; but if he refuses and tarnishes his honour, it'll destroy him, it'll destroy *us*, and I'll lose him anyway... No, Heero, you can't help me... Nobody can... I should've known better... I'm not allowed to keep anything, not allowed to be happy..." Duo averted his face, voice trailing off in a mixture of despair and resignation.



The rattling doorknob reminded Heero that he had locked the door. With a worried glance at Duo, he rose and hurried to the door, parting the mini-blinds over the glass to check who was there before opening it. Quatre and Trowa, and, thank god, no sign of Chang. Heero hoped Chang had the sense to *stay* away. Despite his understanding of what would drive the Chinese youth to abandon Duo and obey his clan elders, Heero wanted nothing more than to beat him to a bloody pulp at the moment. And that would definitely *not* help Duo in the slightest.



Opening the door, Heero admitted Quatre and Trowa to the office. Quatre made a distressed sound the instant he spotted Duo's huddled form and started towards him. Heero caught his elbow to restrain him while shoving the door shut and relocking it with his other hand. "Quatre, wait," he said in a warning tone.



Trowa turned to look at Heero as well. Glass crunched under his shoes as he moved, catching both his and Quatre's attention. "What the hell..." Trowa breathed softly, gazing around the office at the broken glass everywhere and the bent picture frame laying near his feet.



Heero took a steadying breath, then said flatly, "You may have heard that some of Chang's clan turned up alive." Nods from both other ex-pilots indicated their knowledge. "The elders have informed him that it is his duty to wed the sister of his dead wife. Honour demands that he obey their wishes. Duo was just informed of the engagement."



"Oh Allah," Quatre moaned in sympathy.



"He smashed the paperweight and collapsed on the shards," Heero said. "That is why I requested that you bring the first aid kit Trowa. He may require more treatment than that, but I am afraid that Sally would wish to hospitalize him and I do not think that would be wise at the moment." That was an understatement. Duo never reacted well to either hospitals or tranquillizers and Sally would most likely take one look at him and order both. She meant well, but she had never learned to make sufficient allowances for the unique backgrounds of either Duo or himself.



Duo barely reacted to the presence of any of them, even when Heero and Trowa began the slow process of removing slivers of glass from his hands. Quatre could not stand to watch for long and ended up taking Heero's office key and leaving in search of a dustpan and broom to clean up the worst of the glass before anyone else got hurt.



Throughout the entire process of removing the glass and cleaning and bandaging the cuts, Duo barely even flinched. 'It's like he's not even here,' Heero thought worriedly. 'He's retreated so far into himself that I don't think he's aware of anything that's going on around him.' Even slicing open Duo's pantlegs and cutting them off just above the knee in order to tend to his legs didn't draw a reaction from Duo.



"Sally will have our heads if she finds out about this," Trowa muttered, preparing to stitch up a particularly nasty gash near Duo's knee.



"And letting her see him like this would be better?" Heero answered grimly.



Trowa simply said, "Keep his leg steady," and tightened his jaw in response.



Trowa's caution was unnecessary. Only the tiniest of twitches passed through Duo's leg as Trowa closed the gash with neat, tiny stitches. By the time they finished bandaging his legs, however, Duo had started to shake.



"Shock," Trowa said grimly.



"No shit," Heero growled back. "Go find a blanket or something I can wrap him in to get him out of here."



Seeing that Quatre had finished cleaning up the worst of the glass, Heero ordered him, "Go get him a coffee from the pot. Decaffeinated but heavy on the cream and sugar."



Voice gentling again, Heero lifted Duo's chin and said, "Duo, where do you want to go? Do you want to go home?" Hell, he hoped not. It was well past quitting time and Chang would almost certainly be there. He didn't think Duo was ready to face his - lover? ex-lover? housemate? - and he *knew* that *he* wasn't.



"Home? Don't have a home..." Duo murmured quietly. "Not anymore... Can't go back there..."



Eyes narrowing, Heero asked, "Did Wufei tell you that?"



Duo shook his head silently before adding, "Too many memories... Can't go there... Hurts too much..."



"Alright," Heero said, forcing his anger on Duo's behalf down again. Duo had been so excited over building that house with Wufei. It wasn't fair that losing Wufei was going to cost him his dream house too. "Where would you like to go then?" No response.



Quatre had returned with the coffee and managed to coax Duo into swallowing a few mouthfuls. After it became clear that he wasn't going to get any more into Duo, he picked up Heero's line of questioning, asking, "Would you like to come home with me, Duo? I have plenty of room..."



Duo shook his head violently in response. Heero understood why. Duo and Wufei had lived at Quatre's while their house was being built. There would be too many memories there. "Then I guess you'll just have to put up with staying with me," Heero said firmly. He wasn't offering a choice. Trowa lived with Quatre, so unless Duo came home with him they would have to let someone else see the shape he was in and Heero didn't think that would be a wise decision at the moment.



Just then Trowa returned with a blanket and handed it to Heero. Heero wrapped it around Duo as he swept him up in his arms.



"Rashid is waiting out front," Trowa told Heero. "The car is already warmed up and you won't have to worry about driving."



Heero nodded in acknowledgement. His car had been sitting in the Preventers' underground parking garage all week and would be thoroughly chill and damp inside. "Let's go."



***



Wufei dropped his head into his hands as the door to his office very quietly snicked shut behind Duo. 'Oh god...' He had dreaded this day since the moment he had accepted his grim duty. Walking out of that meeting with the clan elders, he had half wished that he would be hit by a car or struck by a bolt of lightning. Something, *anything*, to avoid having to look the man he loved in the eyes and inform him that he was now engaged to wed someone else.



But nothing had happened and he had just had to very calmly inform his lover that he was abandoning him. That he was turning his back on their life together and obediently following his clan's wishes like the well-trained scion they had raised him to be. That he was turning his back on a life of love to take up one of duty. That... '*Enough!* You have *no choice*, Chang. You never *have*. Your life was laid out for you from the day that you were born and no amount of wishing is going to change that.'



A muffled crash and the distant tinkling of breaking glass brought Wufei out of his chair and sent him towards his door, only to jerk to a halt again. He *knew* what - or rather, *who* - was undoubtedly the cause of the sounds. But he had given up the right to comfort Duo when he had told him that it was over between them. His presence now could only make things even more painful for both of them. 'His partner will look after him. Yuy is Duo's best friend. He will help him get through this.'



Thinking of partners reminded Wufei that his own partner was due back at their office soon. He was in no condition to face anyone right now. A single smart-ass comment from Zechs would be all it would take to snap the frail thread of self-control he had left. Wufei gathered up his jacket and was out the door, just in time to see Quatre and Trowa vanishing into Heero and Duo's office. 'A first aid kit? Oh god, Duo... I'm sorry, love. So very, very sorry...'



***



Brow furrowed in concern, Heero laid another blanket over Duo's huddled form. Duo hadn't spoken since they left Preventers HQ several hours ago. Heero had managed to get a few spoonfuls of soup and a few mouthfuls of hot chocolate down him, but that was it. And although Duo was curled up tightly on the bed, he wasn't sleeping. His eyes were wide open, staring at nothing.



The sound of a key in his door drew Heero's attention and he slipped quietly from the room. No doubt that was Trowa and Quatre, back from retrieving at least some of Duo's belongings from the house.



"Where's Quatre?" he asked in surprise as Trowa entered alone, laden with a suitcase and a box full of music CDs and so on.



"He stayed there," Trowa answered. "Wufei's a mess, though nowhere near as bad as Duo is," he sighed. "Quatre is going to check out your suggestion, but I doubt that it will do any good."



"I know. But it's all I can think of," Heero said. Knowing that he would himself be unable to face Wufei without decking him, Heero had suggested that Quatre find out whether the marriage agreement was verbal only or in writing and what the exact wording was. Maybe - just maybe - there would be a loophole somewhere that would allow Wufei a way out of the marriage with his honour intact. But he doubted it. The Long clan was well known for its scholars - including those specializing in law - as well as its warriors.



***



"Quatre, it's no use. There will not be any loopholes. Honour demands that I fulfill the marriage agreement and obey the clan elders' wishes. It is as simple as that," Wufei stated, fighting to keep his voice level. 'Do you not think that I have not already considered this, Quatre?! If there were a way out of this with my family's honour intact, I would have taken it in a heartbeat!'



He had certainly looked for a way. Initially, Wufei had simply refused the elders' request that he wed Long Jun. He had pointed out - with a degree of calm that surprised himself - that he had fulfilled the agreement in marrying Meilan all those years ago. His obligation died with her as far as he was concerned.



Wrong. The elders had produced the actual agreement and showed him where it quite clearly stated that he was to wed "the heir to the Long clan" - *not* specifically Meilan - and that the union was to produce an heir to both families. They had then gone on to point out that, had he done his duty at the time and produced an heir despite his and Meilan's youth, he *would* have been free of the agreement upon Meilan's death. Without an heir, however, the agreement simply passed to the next "heir to the Long clan" and he was required to marry *her*.



Wufei had argued and debated the issue with them for hours, calling on every bit of scholarly learning that he had. In return, he had been reminded that his entire education had been provided in preparation for his role as husband to the Long clan heir. That by not producing an heir with Meilan he had already failed in his duty once. That he had also failed by resisting his role as a Gundam pilot and that that failure had led to Meilan's death. That the colony had self-destructed because of him and that he owed the clan a debt for the deaths of those who died with it. That he had already tarnished the honour of the Chang family with those failures and that the only way to restore it was to do his duty now by honouring the marriage agreement.



In the end, he had been forced to admit defeat. There was no way out. He would have to honour the agreement and marry Long Jun. Whatever the cost to himself and to Duo.



"Wufei... Wufei!"



Abruptly recalled to the present, Wufei snapped sharply, "Leave it be, Quatre! You cannot fix everything. You will simply have to accept that this is one of those things that you cannot. Duo is strong. With the help of you and his other friends, he will recover from this as he has from his other losses."



"Will he, Wufei? Are you certain of that?" Quatre asked softly.



'God, Quatre, I hope so...' Wufei thought painfully. He was far from certain that Duo would bounce back so easily. Remembering the way that those expressive blue-violet eyes had gone from excited curiosity to shocked disbelief and finally to betrayed pain, Wufei very much feared that he had dealt the final blow to Duo's indomitable spirit. Aloud, however, he only said, "Of course he will, Quatre. Duo is too strong to allow a lover's betrayal to keep him down for long."



Quatre shook his head slightly, clearly no more convinced by Wufei's words than Wufei himself was. "And what of you, Wufei? Who will be there to help you?"



Wufei's breath caught painfully at the question. Gruffly, he growled out, "No one, Quatre. I do not require any help. I am doing my duty and upholding my family's honour. That will be sufficient." It would have to be because it was all he would ever have. The only "help" he wanted or needed came in the form of a loving, cheerful youth with expressive violet eyes and a glorious cascade of chestnut silk hair. And that was someone that he no longer had any right to.



***



"Despite Wufei's objections that it was useless, I've sent a copy of the written marriage agreement to five different lawyers now and not one of them has managed to find a loophole in it. Chang Wufei - named together with a full listing of his lineage reaching back generations - is to marry the heir to the Long clan. Their child is to be heir to both families. Should one or both of them die before producing an heir, the families remain separate but what happens depends on who dies. As Wufei is mentioned by name, his death would cancel the agreement. The death of Meilan, however, merely meant that the agreement passed to the new heir. They have covered virtually every possible contingency." Quatre rubbed his eyes wearily and sighed, "There's no way out of it other than Wufei refusing to honour the agreement."



"Shit," Heero swore. "What if the sister refuses to go through with it?"



"Unlikely," Quatre said, shaking his head. "And even if she did, that would automatically pass both the position of heir and the obligation to the next in line."



"Fuck."



Trowa stirred and raised his head to say quietly, "There is no way out for them, then, is there."



There was no response to that statement. All three of them knew too well the value Wufei placed on his family's honour.



Heero slumped in his chair. They were all out of ideas. Nothing more could be done. Tomorrow morning, Chang Wufei would leave the Preventers to join the Long clan on its new, still-under-construction colony and by the end of the month he would be married to Long Jun. And two lives - no, three, as Heero could not see how a husband in love with someone else would be a good thing for Jun - would be ruined because of a bunch of tradition-bound old fools and a thick-skulled idiot who couldn't seem to see that his own personal honour had nothing to do with an agreement signed by his parents when he was a mere infant and *everything* to do with standing up for the commitment that he himself had made in wooing and winning the man he loved.



It wasn't as if they hadn't tried to convince Wufei. All three of them had tried at some point over the past few days. Heero had very nearly come to blows with him over it. Only the realization that Wufei would not fight back - would, in fact, *welcome* being beaten to a pulp over this - had stopped him.



Instead, Heero had stepped back, looked Wufei straight in the eye, and let his own feelings for Duo show through as he told him, "You're a fool, Chang. An idiotic fool. You have the most precious thing in the world, the one thing I would give *anything* to possess, and you're going to let him go because of a stupid piece of paper, an agreement that you had no part in making."



Seeing the dawning comprehension in Wufei's eyes, Heero nodded grimly in acknowledgement before continuing in a fierce tone, "Had I ever had the slightest notion that you would do this to him, I would have fought tooth and nail to steal him from you when I first realized I loved him. But he was happy, genuinely, truly happy, in a way that I had never seen him before and I would never have taken that away from him. He's lost too much in his life as it is. His strength in coming through those losses as the wonderful, caring, generous person he is will never cease to amaze me. I just hope he has enough of that strength left to handle this loss too." With that, Heero turned to leave Wufei's office, then turned back for a moment and threw a vid-disk on his desk. "Before you go running off to your 'honourable' new life, I suggest you take a look at that. Take a look and see the cost of your 'honour'."



It had been a last-ditch effort. Heero had left a camera recording while first he, then Quatre, coaxed an almost completely unresponsive Duo into eating a few bites of food or swallowing a bit of a protein drink. While they had brushed and braided his hair and changed his clothes and tried to get him to talk to them. While Duo simply lay curled up on the bed or sat huddled in a blanket and stared blankly into space. But it hadn't worked. Whether Wufei had not watched the disk or whether it had simply not been enough to change his mind, Heero did not know. It did not really matter. Either way, he had failed. Failed to protect Duo's happiness. And Duo...



Duo had lost yet another person he had dared to love.



***



Wufei closed and sealed the last box of belongings and placed it with the others. The shipping company would be there to pick them up soon. He looked around the room one last time, checking for anything that he had overlooked, but there was nothing. Nothing that he dared take with him, that is. The photos in the face-down frames were still too painful to look at and he could not be certain of keeping something like that out of sight of his soon-to-be wife. To subject her to indisputable evidence that his heart lay elsewhere would be exceedingly unjust. This situation was no more *her* fault than his own. Their fates had been sealed long before they were old enough to comprehend what the word "marriage" even meant.



The vid-disk on the table drew his gaze yet again. He had not dared watch it. He could not afford to weaken his resolve any further. Yet at the same time, he wanted to know just what was on it that could make Heero speak of honour in such a disparaging fashion. Particularly after finding out that Heero had been in love with Duo all this time but had kept his silence rather than risk damaging the happiness Duo had already found. Heero was a man of honour himself. For him to have spoken of it in such a derogatory manner... 'Whatever it is, it has to be bad...' Wufei thought, staring at the accusing disk.



Reaching an abrupt decision, Wufei rose and picked up the vid-disk. He could not carry it with him any more than he could carry the photos. But - perhaps there was a way to keep a few reminders where he could view them when the longing became too great. And while this would certainly not be a *good* reminder, it would perhaps be an important one. Should he begin to feel sorry for his own losses, watching the disk might remind him that he was not the only one to pay the price. It would perhaps serve to increase his resolve to fulfill his duty rather than allow Duo's pain to have been for nothing.



Powering up his laptop, Wufei began selecting files. Photos and short video clips. Email messages. A copy of the contents of the mysterious vid-disk. His hacking skills were no match for Yuy's, but he could easily manage to hide some personal files on the net in such a way that only he could access them. He could not give up *all* of his mementos of Duo. Surely the pain would eventually fade to a level where he could remember the good times fondly without drowning in sorrow. It *had* to.



***



"Thank you, Quatre," Heero said quietly. "I will tell him. Goodbye."



"He did it, didn't he."



Heero turned sharply from the now-dark vid-phone. He could barely believe that flat, dull voice, harsh from disuse, belonged to Duo. Meeting Duo's shadowed eyes, Heero said simply, "As of 0900 this morning, Chang Wufei and Long Jun are married. Quatre and Trowa attended the wedding in case Chang came to his senses and needed their support, but he did not."



Duo closed his eyes and swallowed convulsively.



"I'm sorry, Duo," Heero said unhappily. "We tried everything we could think of."



Duo shook his head slightly as he choked out, "It's not your fault, 'Ro. I *knew* Fei's honour was the most important thing in the world to him. I *knew* that. And I fell in love with him anyway. Hell, I was even dumb enough that his honour was one of the things that *made* me fall in love with him.



"It's my own damn fault. I should know better by now. I'm not supposed to be loved. Not supposed to be happy. Not supposed to get to *keep* anyone or anything. Not supposed to have a damn *home*." Duo laughed bitterly, "Y'know what the best part is, Heero? Today would've been our second anniversary as a couple. Happy fuckin' anniversary to me."



Heero stepped forward and pulled Duo into a tight hug, heart aching at his inability to do anything to fix this. Duo allowed the hug but did not relax into it or hug back, something that set off a definite warning in Heero's mind. Duo had been withdrawn and silent, but he had never shed a single tear in the entire time since finding out that Wufei was leaving him. And now he was eerily calm and cool. The whole thing had Heero worried. Very worried.



And Heero was even more worried when the very next day Duo calmly informed Une that he was "done acting like a melodramatic, lovesick teenager and ready to return to duty". But that didn't mean he could do a damn thing to stop it. Heero was afraid that if he tried, Duo would simply request a change of partners and then Heero would not be there to watch his back and prevent what he was all too certain would happen. He knew the signs all too well. Duo was looking for an excuse to self-destruct.



***



Standing in the backyard of his former dream house, Duo threw another handful of photographs into the fire he had lit. He watched, dry-eyed, as the images curled and shrivelled, blackened and burnt. Fire had taken everything he cared about once before, it was only fitting that it should do so again. The fire had already consumed everything from the master bedroom's silk sheets to the soft, thick rug that had cushioned the floor in front of the fireplace. Anything remaining in the house was either too large or too difficult to burn. He had already placed the call to a local charity and they would be arriving later that afternoon to pick up whatever remained.



As the fire burned, Duo watched over it with cool disinterest. With every item destroyed, the pain receded a little further and the wall of calm detachment grew a little bit thicker. By the time the ashes cooled, he had distanced himself more than sufficiently to meet with the real estate agent and arrange for the house's sale. Wufei had signed his share over to Duo, but Duo had no desire whatsoever to ever *see* the house again, let alone live in it. No, far better to sell the place and donate the proceeds to charity. At least that way something good would come of his disastrous decision to do something so utterly foolish as love again.



'You are truly an idiot, Maxwell. After losing Solo and the others to plague, then the remainder of the gang to adoption, and finally Father and Sister Helen to war, you should have learnt your lesson. But no, you thought you might actually get to be happy. Might get to keep something or someone. Might get to love and be loved. Might get to have a home. *Ha!*' It did not pay to care about anyone or anything. The inevitable loss was too painful. It had been made more than clear that he was not entitled to happiness.



No more. No further lessons would be needed. He would not make the same mistake again.



***



Jun closed her eyes tightly, a single tear trickling down her cheek as her husband once again left for his own bed. Their marriage was a sham. A disaster. Oh, Wufei performed his "duty" on a nightly basis, following the elders' orders to produce an heir. But that was *all* it was. A duty.



And she could not truly blame him. Wufei was very solicitous, kind, gentle, considerate, the perfectly dutiful husband. He did everything she or the elders asked of him. Always perfectly polite. But it was more than clear to her that his heart was elsewhere. 'As is my own, though I was not entirely certain of that before...'



But she had been the dutiful, obedient clan heir and had married where the elders dictated rather than where her heart was inclined. Had she been certain of her feelings - and that they were returned, something she still did not know and under the circumstances fervently hoped was *not* the case - she would perhaps have been prepared to refuse the elders' orders. And had she known that her then-future-husband was deeply in love with someone else, she *would* have refused. Her own feelings for the man she now knew she loved had not been very strong yet when she and Wufei were wed. Had Wufei not been deeply in love already, they might have developed a strong caring for each other that would eventually deepen to love. As it was, she doubted that would ever happen. Instead, they would spend the rest of their lives being perfectly polite to one another and living their own lives except on the rare occasions when duty dictated that they interact.



'And such is a life of "honour"...' she thought bitterly.



***



Quatre hung up the phone very gently and stood motionless for a moment before grabbing it up and flinging it across the room to crash against the wall.



"I take it that Duo will not be joining us tonight either," Trowa observed drily. He moved across the room to wrap his arms around his lover comfortingly.



"He's not even bothering to come up with good excuses anymore," Quatre said in a distressed voice. "He told me that he has to *wash his hair*..." Drawing away from Trowa slightly, he turned his head towards where Heero sat at the table, shoulders slumped. "We're losing him more and more every day, aren't we?"



Heero closed his eyes for a moment, then admitted, "Yes. He barely even speaks except to discuss essential mission details. He never smiles or laughs. He doesn't turn on the radio in the car anymore or listen to it while he works in the office. He works through lunch most days and leaves the office late.



"He never makes a mistake on a mission - never does anything to put anyone *else* at risk. But given two options of action, he will always, *always*, take the one that puts himself in the greatest danger."



"Have you tried speaking to Une?" Trowa asked quietly.



Very slightly, Heero nodded. "Yes. And she confronted him about the number of times he's been ending up injured lately. But he always has a perfectly rational, logical explanation for why he chose the course of action that he did. Une told me that she was satisfied with his explanations and if I had any further problems with his behaviour, she could arrange for us to change partners." 'And that is a chance I can't take. I *have* to be there to watch his back. I'm fairly certain that he would not have got out of that burning warehouse last month in time if he hadn't had to help me.'



That was one sprained ankle that Heero would be eternally grateful for. If he hadn't landed badly when the catwalk gave way and dropped, he would have been out before Duo came strolling through the collapsing building as if he had all the time in the world. The instant Duo had spotted him, a fleeting look of resignation had crossed Duo's face, then Duo had been at his side, supporting him as they hurried out as fast as he could hobble.



Quatre gave Heero a concerned look. "Heero, even you can't watch over him every second. You're going to make yourself ill with the worry."



Trowa dropped a light kiss on Quatre's forehead and told him, "Pot, meet kettle. You're worrying yourself sick too, love."



Quatre raised one eyebrow and challenged, "And you're *not*?"



Trowa sighed in response and gave Quatre another hug before releasing him to join Heero at the table. "We're sure we're not over-reacting, right?"



"Have you been to his apartment lately?" Heero asked pointedly.



Trowa shook his head. "No, not since he moved in. It wasn't at all the sort of place I'd expected him to choose. Dull, drab, and pre-furnished with some of the ugliest chrome and plastic furniture I've ever seen."



"Well, if you saw it then, you know exactly what it looks like now," Heero told him. "Unless you went through the drawers, you wouldn't even know someone was living in the place."



"Shit," was the only response from Trowa. Heero thought it summed up the situation rather succinctly.



'We're losing Duo, bit by bit. I can't even slow it down, let alone reverse the process. It's only a matter of time before he does something guaranteed to get himself killed. Damn you, Chang. I hope your damn "honour" was worth it,' Heero thought bitterly. 'What the hell am I going to do?'



***



A tiny flicker of guilt passed through Duo's mind as he hung up the phone. Quatre had sounded very disappointed at his refusal. 'But it's better this way. The less contact we have, the less it will hurt in the long run. Sooner or later, I lose anyone I care about. I might as well do the losing on my own schedule. Eventually they'll get tired of trying and they'll simply leave me alone.'



Duo stuck a frozen dinner in the microwave before turning on the evening news. Once he had some supper and caught the news, he would work on some of the case files he had brought home with him. *After* washing his hair, that is. He had told Quatre that he was going to do that, so he would. 'Just a typical evening at home,' he thought.



He made certain to bring work home every night since there was nothing *else* to do in his tiny apartment. He had a small television, but he hadn't bothered subscribing to any of the entertainment packages available. The freely available news feeds on the public broadcasting stations was quite sufficient for his needs. And "needs" were all he had. "Wants" weren't allowed and certainly weren't fulfilled if he should happen to slip up and allow himself to wish for something nonessential.



Food and shelter were essentials, therefore he had those. Anything beyond that started to fall into the "want" category. And things that you *wanted* tended to be things that you actually *cared* about. Caring about things meant losing them, therefore there was no point in having them in the first place. Life was simpler that way. Less painful, if rather dull.



***



Wufei rose from the bed and slipped off to his own room. Behind him, he knew Jun would be crying herself to sleep again. He pretended not to know that she did so just as she pretended not to know that he spent hours every week looking at photographs and reading old email messages from his hidden personal files. Just as they each pretended not to notice when the other called out for someone else during their time together.



Wufei could not bring himself to call what they did in bed together lovemaking. They both did their "duty" as ordered by the clan elders because they saw no way out of this mess that they were in. "Love" had nothing to do with it. Two lives ruined by their own commitment to "honour".



He just hoped that a third life had not been ruined as well. That Duo had managed to bounce back from his abandonment. That perhaps Heero had managed to get Duo to fall in love with him and that Duo was happy again.



Was he finally ready to view the contents of the vid-disk that Heero had flung at him? To see exactly how high a price Duo had paid for *his* "honour"? Wufei stared at his computer for a very long time that night before finally deciding that no, he was not ready. The price of his family's "honour" was already far too high. He did not think that he could bear knowing how much higher it could be.



***



Duo threw a sideways glance at Heero. Yes, he was watching. Again. Damn. Calmly, Duo picked up the bulletproof vest and donned it with no outward sign that he had not intended to do so. He had no intention of flat-out committing suicide. No bottles full of pills or self-inflicted wounds for him.



But over the past months he had discovered that in the midst of a firefight or while sneaking through a building full of armed and dangerous criminals, at least for a few moments, he could feel truly alive while he gambled against Death. The greater the gamble, the sharper the feeling of life - and the greater the pull of death. It seemed to be the only thing that really penetrated the thick wall of unnatural calm that now surrounded him at all times, separating him from the rest of the world. Duo was distantly thankful for the presence of that wall, cushioning him from the pain on the other side of it. But those brief moments that something *did* pierce it and make him feel truly alive still drew him.



"Duo? Did you hear me?" Heero asked a bit sharply.



"Yeah, yeah. Ten hostages: two kids with their mom, two seniors, one other bank patron and the rest are all bank employees. Three gunmen confirmed, one more suspected. We get in, take out the gunmen by whatever means necessary, free the hostages, yadda yadda yadda." 'Crap. Shouldn't have been quite so flip,' Duo thought as Heero's gaze narrowed. "I know, I know, 'Take it seriously, Maxwell' - have I ever let you down, Heero?"



"No, you haven't, Duo. And that *wasn't* what I was going to say."



Duo raised one eyebrow in disinterested query.



Heero gave him a slightly sad, knowing look and said, "Watch your damn back, Duo. Don't take any unnecessary chances."



Even through his protective wall, Duo felt a slight pang at that. It carried a definite echo of things he himself had said to Heero during the war. Well, it couldn't be helped. Whatever happened, happened. It wasn't like he particularly cared either way. Dead, alive, what was the difference? He wasn't allowed to be happy or loved anyway.



***



Heero watched Duo exit the locker room with a heavy feeling in the pit of his stomach. 'He wasn't going to wear the vest,' he thought painfully. The risks that Duo took during a mission had continued to climb. Keeping them both alive and in one piece was demanding more and more of Heero's skill, pushing him to limits that he had not reached since the war. Perhaps even beyond them. Sooner or later, he was going to face a situation where he could *not* keep them both even reasonably safe. A choice would have to be made.



Though really, there *was* no choice. Given a choice of saving Duo or himself, Heero would not even need an instant to make a decision. 'I won't lose him. No matter the cost.'



***



'Fuck. So much for intel,' Duo thought, freezing on command. Not only were there actually *five* gunmen - all successfully disarmed and currently being handcuffed by Heero - but one of the bank employees had turned out to be their inside man - or rather, inside *woman* - and had just completely blown the whole rescue operation by grabbing one of the kids. Crack shot or not, he couldn't chance shooting her - it was too likely that even in death her finger would tighten on the trigger and blow the poor terrified kid's brains out.



Several options ran through his mind before Duo settled on one. 'Oh well. Today is a good day to die, and at least it will be worth it,' he thought with an eerie calm. Dropping his gun and kicking it away from him as instructed, Duo began to slowly walk towards the woman, talking all the time about whatever totally inane, non-threatening, nonsense crossed his mind. As he neared her, still babbling away, the woman repeatedly told him to stop, her voice becoming more panicky each time.



Finally, the moment he'd been waiting for arrived. She turned the gun away from the child and towards him. Even as he lunged towards her, he knew that he probably wouldn't survive this. He'd ditched the protective vest hours ago, before he crawled into the ductwork to make his way through the mall and into the bank. The vest had been too bulky and rigid to allow him to fit. Heero had had to remove his as well. Then the gun was going off - but he was crashing to the floor even as it fired, too soon to have been hit by the bullet.



Duo's head hit the floor with a crack that left him seeing double for a few moments. By the time he staggered to his feet, the woman was struggling to get out from under someone and the kid was on the floor several feet away, bawling. Duo lurched forward automatically, kicking the gun away from the woman and cuffing her - then he realized that the body she had shoved off of her still wasn't moving. And the protective wall of numbness that he'd been hiding behind shattered with the realization of whose body was lying there so very still in a growing pool of blood.



"Heero?" A mere breath of a whisper slipped from his suddenly stiff lips. "*HEERO?!*" he screamed in panic. Fighting back the panic, Duo barked harshly into his communicator, "Preventer down, need EMS stat!" Flinging himself to his knees, he very carefully rolled his partner over, located the entry hole and started to apply pressure to both it and the exit point on Heero's back. "Heero, stay with me," he half-ordered, half-pled. "Don't you dare leave me too, Yuy!"



Heero's pale face twitched slightly as Duo applied pressure and his eyes slid half-open. One hand raised to touch Duo's cheek wonderingly as bright tears ran down it. "You... okay..."



"The bullet didn't touch me," Duo said, "but I'm *not* 'okay'! Dammit, Yuy, what did you go and do a fucking stupid thing like that for?!"



A flicker of a smile crossed Heero's face before it lost out to a grimace of pain. "Love you... Couldn't... lose you..."



Duo stared down at Heero in horror. 'God no... He can't mean it like that...'



"Take it back, Heero," he begged frantically. "Take it back! You can't love me! If you love me, I'll lose you! Please, take it back!"



"Can't... Truth..." Heero's hand slipped away from Duo's face, dropping to the floor weakly.



"Fuck! What the hell is taking the damn paramedics so long?" Duo swore viciously. Seeing Heero's eyes start to close again, he snapped sharply, "Yuy! Stay with me! Don't you tell me something like that and then go quitting on me! Do you hear me, Heero? *Heero?* *HEERO?!*"



***



"You need not come to my bed again," Jun said quietly.



Wufei met her gaze directly for the first time in weeks. "You mean..."



She inclined her head slightly in response and managed to dredge up a faint smile. She should be delighted at the news. She *was* grateful that this would at least remove one duty from their lives. But she had to wonder what sort of existence they would be bringing their poor child into. In all likelihood, his or her own marriage would be arranged by the elders immediately after birth and they would condemn another soul to a life tied to the burdens of duty and honour. 'And the child will grow up in a house full of regret, with parents that share only a mutual sorrow for their losses and a respect for one another's commitment to the wishes of the clan. What kind of life will that be?'



The look in Wufei's eyes told her that he was having similar thoughts.



Unbidden, the thought came to Jun's mind that while she had no power as clan heir, that would change when her grandmother died and she became clan head. If that happened *before* their child was born - or at least before they were forced into signing any agreements in the child's name - things would be very different.



*If* she had the courage to stand up to the elders and use the power she would inherit. And it would take courage - a great deal of it. And determination. But, for the sake of her child, she thought that she would find the strength. *If* such an opportunity even arose. 'Grandmother is old and in poor health. But then, she has been that way for a very long time. She may live for many more years yet.' But for the first time in her life, Jun hoped that she would *not*.



***



Duo huddled at one end of the waiting room couch, half-sick with worry and fear. Every trace of the protective shell of isolation that he had so carefully constructed after Wufei's abandonment was gone. Despite his best efforts to teach himself *not* to care about anyone around him and his continuous attempts to push all of his friends away, thus eliminating the chance of being hurt so deeply ever again by losing one of them, he still cared. Oh god, did he care. 'I can't lose Heero too... I just *can't*...'



Quatre entered the waiting room, looking around for Duo. Spotting him huddled at one end of a couch, Quatre hurried over to sit beside him. "Oh, Duo..." he said sorrowfully.



Duo's head jerked up and he turned to face Quatre. "Quatre!" he gasped before flinging himself against Quatre's shoulder, arms closing around him.



Quatre wrapped his arms around Duo and rubbed his back comfortingly. "When Une called, she said they thought he had a fair chance of making it. Heero's tough, you know that. Don't give up hope, Duo."



"But Quat, he said he *loved* me and he wouldn't take it back! I'll lose him too!" Duo gasped against Quatre's shoulder.



Quatre froze for a moment. Duo pushed himself away from Quatre's shoulder and looked at him searchingly. "You knew..." Duo accused. "You *knew* he loved me..."



Sighing, Quatre admitted, "Yes. I guessed when he was trying so hard to find a way for you to keep Wufei. He considered - things - that..." Quatre shook his head wordlessly. "I do not think that there is anything that he would not do for you, Duo, if it would make you happy," he said simply.



"Then... why did he never say anything before?" Duo asked brokenly. "I - Quat, the caring and the attraction was there for *both* of them, but W... - *he* - was the one who showed me that he felt the same in return and made the effort to develop those feelings into more. And so I fell in love with him. Had Heero done the same..." 'Had Heero done the same, none of this would have ever happened! I'd have fallen in love with him, been with him, not Wufei...'



Quatre placed a finger lightly on Duo's lips, silencing him. "He did not know what he was feeling at first. After all, you were his best friend, it seemed only natural that he would feel differently for you than for his other friends. By the time he figured it out, you and Wufei were 'going steady' and you were so happy that he did not want to risk hurting you. So he kept his silence. He has regretted it every day since the day you found out about Wufei's engagement."



"So why hasn't he said anything *since* then?"



Sighing, Quatre told Duo sadly, "Duo - you've been distant and withdrawn ever since. You've done nothing but try to push us all away. Heero did not want to risk having you push him so far that he would not be there to watch your back. We've all seen the chances you've been taking over the past months; Heero just has a clearer understanding because of his *own* behaviour during the war. He knew something like today would happen eventually; he just wanted to be certain that he would be there to protect you from yourself when it did."



Quatre was right, Duo admitted silently. He hadn't even stayed at Heero's apartment any longer than necessary to find a tiny one of his own on the other side of town, in spite of Heero's insistence that he was more than welcome to have the guestroom on a permanent basis. He had consciously decided that since sooner or later he lost anyone or anything he cared about, he might as well simply not have anything worth caring about. At least that way, it wouldn't hurt when he lost whatever he *did* have.



And so he had picked a completely bland, cookie-cutter apartment that even after nearly a year looked no different than the day he had moved in. He had not particularly wanted to hurt his friends in the process of disentangling himself from them and therefore had not actively driven them away; instead he had almost completely withdrawn from them, letting time and distance work to lessen the bond between them. And the risks... Well, when you didn't have anything worth caring about, you didn't have much worth living for either. But he'd never considered that someone else might want him to live. Might want it badly enough to risk their own life saving him... And for that someone to be Heero, his best friend and - maybe - even more...



Duo shuddered convulsively before collapsing against Quatre's shoulder again. "I don't want to lose him, Quat. If he loves me... well, I guess the risk is already there... I... I don't know whether I l... l... care about him as more than a friend, but I... I think I'd like to... to try..."



***



Wufei's hands shook slightly as he sent the commands to delete one hidden file after another. He was going to be a father; his loyalty was now permanently tied to Jun and his unborn child. Painful though it was, it was time to leave the past behind. Time to give up that last bit of hope and admit that he would never be able to return to Duo and beg his forgiveness. Never be able to ask Duo to take him back.



No matter how difficult it was, he owed it to Jun and their child - his family - to stop living in the past. It was time to let go of his old life and move on with his new one. Time to let go of Duo.



A small handful of files that were photos and video clips of the entire group of ex-pilots were all that he spared. He hoped that someday he would be able to resume contact with them; they were the only real friends he'd ever had after all. But not yet. The memories were far too raw and painful still.



Pulling up one last photo of Duo and himself moving in to their just-completed house, Wufei touched the computer screen lightly. "I'm sorry, Duo..." he whispered softly. "Goodbye, love..."



Then, eyes suddenly blurring, Wufei sent one final delete command. And the last picture disappeared.



***



Heero stirred slightly, fingers curling around Duo's. Duo raised his head hopefully, eyes searching Heero's face for any sign of returning awareness. "Heero?" he called softly. "Heero, can you hear me?"



Eyelids flickered, but were unable to open just yet. A faint whisper slipped from Heero's lips, "Duo?"



"Yeah, it's me. Gave us all quite a scare there, buddy." Duo hesitated a moment, then admitted, "Gave *me* quite a scare."



Heero's fingers tightened and he murmured, "Sorry..."



Silence reigned over the room for a while as Heero drifted in and out of consciousness. Finally, he became aware enough to open his eyes. His head turned, stopping when his gaze reached Duo.



Duo swallowed, gathered up his nerve, and blurted out, "Did you mean what you said?"



Heero's brow furrowed in confusion. "What I said? When?" he whispered.



Duo knew damn well this was a dumb time to be asking Heero questions. Heero was barely even conscious. But - he needed to know, and besides that, Heero was too groggy to dodge the questions right now as he might when he was back in full control of himself.



"While we were waiting for the paramedics. You said you loved me. Did you mean it?"



Heero's grip tightened again and a flicker of worry passed over his face. "I..." He hesitated, eyes searching Duo's face, then said softly, "Yes."



Duo closed his eyes for a moment, fighting down the panic that flared up again at the admission. Opening them again, he asked, "Love as friend or love as in in-love-with?"



This time, the heart monitor registered Heero's agitation at the question but he answered nevertheless, "In love with."



Still struggling against his deeply ingrained fears, Duo couldn't decide what to say at first. But seeing Heero's distress at his silence, he brought his free hand up to gently brush dark bangs away from Heero's eyes. "I... Look, 'Ro, it won't be easy. I... I've got a lotta baggage to deal with, y'know? But I... care for you. Care a lot. Maybe more," he admitted hesitantly. "I guess, if you want to, I'm willing to... to try."



The wondering smile that Heero graced him with was more than worth the struggle to get the words out.



"I want to," Heero breathed softly in return. "Very much..."



Duo managed to dredge up a shaky smile in response, "Okay..." He leaned forward and pressed a gentle kiss to Heero's forehead. Drawing back again, he sought refuge in humour, scolding, "Now then Yuy, you'd better do exactly what the doctor tells you and get better quick so we can get started."



Heero smiled again and answered, "Mission accepted."

Jun entered the house, weary yet determined. Her grandmother was not expected to last the night. Someone would come for her when the time of death neared but for now she had been sent home in deference to her pregnancy. She was glad of the excuse to leave, having felt very odd sitting there rejoicing that she would indeed be clan head before her child's birth. That she would have the power she needed to protect her child from a fate like hers and Wufei's.



As she moved through the house, intending to find Wufei and try to determine whether he would support her in her intention to wrest power back from the elders, Jun carefully considered her plans. Taking control of the clan away from the elders would not be simple. Over the years they had gradually usurped much of the clan head's powers. Reclaiming that authority would require determination and careful planning. If she had to do this alone, she would. But she would far rather have Wufei's support solidly behind her. Together, they could ensure that their child would not be trapped by the elders into a life of duty, would not be bound by the elders' interpretation of "honour". That their child would not follow in their footsteps.



***



In the darkness of the movie theatre, Duo wriggled in his seat in order to get his head positioned more comfortably against Heero's shoulder. Heero slipped an arm behind him to draw him as much closer as the seats would allow. Half expecting his usual flare of panic at the increased intimacy, Duo was distinctly relieved by its absence and sighed *almost* contentedly.



The past couple of months had *not* been easy. Tearing down the mental and emotional barriers he had worked so hard to build hadn't happened overnight. Their complete collapse after Heero's close call had been misleading. Once Heero was out of immediate danger, the barriers had gone back up again without any conscious decision on Duo's part. He had made some efforts at partially lowering them. Had managed to visit Heero at the hospital.



And then he had discovered that the barriers were no longer the voluntary things he had originally so painstakingly built. That he had no real control over them. That he was absolutely fucking *terrified* of any type of closeness or intimacy, be it friendly or otherwise.



The first time that he had truly relapsed had been when Heero was released from the hospital. Heero had been extremely restricted in what he could do - no bending or lifting, for example. He had asked Duo to move back into the guestroom at his apartment while he recovered. Duo had not been prepared for that. Just the thought of being in that close of contact with *any* of his friends, let alone Heero, after spending so much time isolating himself had been too much. He had refused and fled back to his dreary little apartment. Back to his distant, lonely existence. Back to safety.



In the end, it had been Trowa that had moved in to help Heero through his convalescence. And Trowa that had shamed Duo back out of his isolation, showing up at his apartment and demanding to know when Duo Maxwell had become such a coward. Such a quitter. Such a *liar*. Reminding him that he had told Heero he was willing to try.



Duo had spent a sleepless night that night. And the next. Then he had finally got his act together enough to visit Heero at home and had started cautiously letting the others back into his life as well. He had thought he was okay. Had thought that he had managed to break those barriers down for good this time. Until on one of their first actual dates, Heero had kissed him and told him that he loved him.



That had been Duo's first ever experience with a panic attack. Ten minutes that ranked in the scariest of his life. Between the racing heart, the sweating, the shaking, and the shortness of breath, he had been convinced that he was about to die. He had scared the hell out of Heero.



Fortunately, there had only been a few other panic attacks since then, much milder ones that lasted only a few minutes. But they had been taking things very, very slowly ever since that first one. The "l-word" was quite definitely off-limits, at least for the moment, being a virtually guaranteed trigger for a panic attack. And Heero was careful to always let Duo make the first move. Duo himself was cautious about pushing his limits. But after a lot of soul-searching, he was sure he was ready for the next step.



As the credits rolled up the screen and the lights came back up, Duo twisted in his seat to look at Heero. "Hey, Heero?" 'I can do this,' he told himself firmly. As Heero turned his head to meet Duo's eyes, Duo gave him a slightly shaky smile and asked, "Is that guest bedroom still available?"



Heero went very still, eyes searching Duo's face. "Of course..." he breathed softly.



"Good, 'cause I gave notice on my apartment today and I need to be out by the end of the month," Duo told him. The look of delight on Heero's face was more than worth the hours he had spent talking himself into this. He wasn't ready for anything more than sharing an apartment yet. When he said "guest bedroom", he meant just that. But maybe, after a few weeks of even that much forced intimacy, he would be ready to handle a little more.



***



"This better be important..."



"Quatre, he's moving in!" Heero interrupted. He'd been unable to wait till morning to share the good news. And it *was* good news. Sure, Duo was moving into the *guestroom*, but that was going to force more contact than he'd had with *any* of them since Wufei had left. It was *tremendous* progress.



The video on the phone winked to life, revealing Quatre still in the midst of tying the sash on a sloppily-donned bathrobe. Trowa stepped into the video pickup's range, also wearing a bathrobe. Heero was momentarily embarrassed at the realization that he'd apparently interrupted something but he was too delighted for the embarrassment to last long.



"*Duo* is moving in?" Quatre demanded. "With you?"



"Yes! Well, he's moving into the guestroom, but he *is* moving into my apartment... *And* it was his idea!"



"Heero, that's wonderful news!" exclaimed Quatre, beaming happily. "Isn't it, Trowa?"



"Very," Trowa responded, smiling faintly.



"I'm sorry I called so late," Heero apologized. "I just had to share the news. Sometimes I've wondered if we would *ever* get *any* of our Duo back..." Or whether they would always be left with the painfully silent, withdrawn, dim shadow of Duo that had been created by Wufei's betrayal. 'No, "betrayal" is unfair and I know it. Right after the war, I would have been the same way if ordered on a mission. Everything else would have taken second place, no matter how important it was to me.'



Not anymore though. For him, his realization of where his true priorities belonged had come when he first realized that he was in love with his best friend. Realized it too late, after his best friend had already fallen in love with the friend who had been willing to put him before work. Who had been willing to court him and woo him. Leaving Heero regretting all the times that he'd turned down Duo's invitations for a "guys' night out" or a quick game of one-on-one in favour of working late on reports that no one ever actually read anyway.



Sometimes he wondered whether Wufei would ever get *his* priorities straight. Would ever realize that his personal honour and integrity were what was genuinely important.



Whether Wufei would ever come back, hoping to win back Duo. And whether Duo would forgive him and go back to him if that day ever arrived.



"Quatre, have you ever heard from Wufei?" Heero asked abruptly.



Onscreen, Quatre exchanged a nervous glance with Trowa, then admitted, "No, but I've had someone - well, keeping an eye on him. Just in case he ever needed help..."



"How is he?" Heero asked.



Quatre answered evasively, "His wife is... expecting. And with her grandmother's recent illness and expected death, she is likely to be instated as clan leader very soon now." He hesitated, then questioned, "Has Duo ever..."



"No," Heero responded, shaking his head. "He never so much as says his name. He may even be afraid to - it would be a very likely trigger for a panic attack. Sometimes, something will remind him and he gets this look on his face... This awful mix of fear and anger and love... I don't know whether he'll ever really 'get over it'."



"He still loves Wufei."



Heero nodded in response to Quatre's statement. "I believe he does, yes. I don't really know whether he could ever forgive him or trust him again, but he still loves him. He wouldn't still be hurting this badly if he didn't.



"Just as I'm pretty sure that, whether he ever can say the words or not, he loves me now too. He wouldn't be pushing his boundaries this hard if he didn't."



"What if..."



"Don't," Heero warned sharply. "Quatre, just - don't. If it ever happens, it happens. There's nothing I can do about it and I won't spoil whatever time I have with Duo by worrying about something that may never take place."



Ending his call with a few brief words, Heero mused, 'I never thought that I would have *any* time with Duo. He and Wufei were so happy together, I never would have jeopardized that by letting him discover how I felt.



'And I never would have wanted the time I have now at the high price Duo has paid for it. The high price Duo and Wufei both have paid for it. Because I don't doubt that Wufei loved - probably still loves - Duo. It's just unfortunate that he loved his family's so-called "honour" more.



'But since the price has already been paid, regardless of whether I end up with Duo or not, at least this way I can have a small piece of happiness and also make him happy again. Probably never quite as happy as he was - that seemingly-indestructible faith of his that things would always work out for the best, would always be okay in the end, has been pretty thoroughly destroyed, and with it went his almost childlike wonder and delight in life - but happy enough that at least he isn't looking for chances to get himself killed anymore.'



Maybe someday he would find a way to get Duo beyond that point. To make him take real delight in life again. He certainly intended to try. But for now, Heero would take comfort from the small gains they'd already made. Those moments when Duo's smile, small and tentative though it was, flickered into life for a few brief instants. The times when Duo hugged him or kissed his cheek or even, as on two memorable occasions recently, managed to press a chaste kiss to his lips without triggering a panic attack. Those were the little things Heero treasured, the tiny indications that at least a little bit of progress had been made. That Duo was slowly recovering some of his old self.



***



Wufei's hand hovered over the phone for several long minutes before he finally drew it back again. 'No. It was my choice to break off all contact with the others. Quatre and Trowa made it clear at the wedding that they still considered me a friend and that I should contact them if I needed anything but it is still too soon to try to pick up that friendship. I am not ready to face Duo again and if I resume contact with the others that is far too likely to happen. And as much as I would like to know how Duo is, calling Quatre to ask that will do no one the slightest bit of good. Because no matter what his answer might be, I cannot leave here.'



Now even more than before, he was tied to the colony, to his wife and their unborn child. Jun's grandmother had passed away and she had been formally declared clan head. The first careful groundwork for her rebellion - *their* rebellion - against the elders was already being laid. By the time she was forced to stand up to them openly, he and Jun hoped to have most if not all of their own generation ready to stand behind her. They were not the only ones trapped in unhappiness by their duty to the clan. There were others caught in loveless marriages or in jobs or fields of study that they were ill-suited for. Others in the process of being forced into thankless duty. Others weary of an outdated and backwards lifestyle, trapped by the merciless web spun by the elders.



For now, however, Jun was playing the part of the dutiful clan head admirably. Decisions that she disagreed with were surreptitiously changed; contracts were altered or shuffled to the bottom of the pile to buy time. But all of those things were done without the elders' knowledge. They believed that she was following their wishes in every way. Eventually, that would have to end. She would be forced to openly defy them at some point. But the more time they could buy, the more contracts and agreements that they could alter, the better the odds that their rebellion would succeed. Because if they managed to remove control of the clan's finances and of the colony itself from the hands of the elders, the ultimate control over decisions would be Jun's. And then - things would truly begin to change.



***



Sprawled at opposite ends of the couch, Duo and Heero were watching a movie. Duo decided, 'Tonight. I've been living here for a damn month now and I haven't been able to make it past a closed-mouth kiss without a fucking panic attack. Not good enough. I l... l...' Dammit, he *still* couldn't even *think* the word. 'I *care* for Heero a *lot*. He's way more than my best friend. Even if I can't *tell* him how I feel, I want to at least be able to *show* him, and right now I can't even manage *that*!' Quite deliberately, he shifted down the couch towards Heero, moving over until their shoulders touched. Just thinking ahead to what he intended to try made his respiration alarmingly rapid. Duo had to pause and force himself through the deep breathing exercises that he used after nightmares. He managed to get his breathing and heartrate back under control finally. He was forcing things and he knew it. But he didn't seem to be making any damn progress and he was determined to finally manage *something* for god's sake.



He knew Heero wouldn't say a thing if he did end up backing off. If anything, that only made him more determined not to give up this time. Not to leave them both disappointed yet again.



Carefully, Duo shifted over onto his hip, bending one knee so that his upper leg rested partially on top of Heero's. He slid his arms around Heero and rested his head against Heero's chest. Heero's heartrate was elevated for a moment, then gradually dropped down to normal. After a few more minutes, his own levelled off, still slightly elevated but steady. Tipping his head back, Duo looked up into Heero's face and said softly, "Kiss me."



Heero's eyes widened. "Duo, are you..."



Duo reached up and touched his fingertips to Heero's mouth. "I'm sure." He drew his hand away and waited, face uplifted.



Heero leaned over, cradled Duo's face carefully in one hand, and brought their lips together. Considering that this was the first time he'd asked Heero to take the initiative, Duo was a little worried that he'd trigger off a panic attack but he managed to lose himself in the sensation of their lips moving together. Greatly daring, he parted his and flicked his tongue across Heero's mouth. The immediate flare of panic that appeared at Heero's willing response was blotted out by his anger at his own limitations. 'Heero won't leave me. I *know* he won't. He was willing to die to protect me; I can trust him.'



But part of him still doubted. And that was the part that wouldn't let him push things beyond kissing, beyond the cautious play of lips and teeth and tongues, at least not tonight. But he was determined to do so soon.



***



Jun leaned her head wearily against the car window. The first vague mention of a marriage contract for her and Wufei's child had occurred today. She had been ready for it, however, and had put on a spectacular display of hysteria at the thought of jinxing her pregnancy by making plans involving her unborn child. They had not even begun to prepare a nursery as she had been planning this approach all along. The elders had bought her performance, had fallen for it "hook, line, and sinker" as Wufei had worded it in English, his eyes dancing for a moment before clouding with memories. And the marriage contract had been dropped for now.



Glancing over at Wufei, Jun realized how fortunate she had truly been in her own arranged marriage. The age difference between herself and Wufei was a mere two years. And her husband was kind, considerate, and supportive. 'He has never even blamed me either for our marriage or for the destruction of the happiness he already had...' True, she had had as little to do with the elders' actions as Wufei himself had but he could very easily have chosen to take out his anger and frustration at his situation on her. And he hadn't. Despite the fact that he was obviously still unhappy, Wufei seemed determined to make the best of a bad situation. 'As am I. It may be too late for us to have the lives we would have chosen if the choice was truly ours but at the very least we can make sure that the next generation of our clan is not caught in the same trap.'



***



A soft sound from the hallway drew Heero from his sleep. Blinking, he propped himself up on his elbow and peered towards the door. "Duo? Is something wrong?"



"No..." The response was a bit more hesitant than he would have liked but that was nothing new. Everything about Duo remained just a bit more hesitant than it used to be. It still hurt to see and hear but the rest of them were slowly adjusting to it. Accepting that this was simply the way things were going to be. Duo had progressed to a certain point and no further. He had *mostly* restored his friendship with Heero and the others, had even made a certain amount of cautious progress in his new relationship with Heero, but outsiders remained that way. No new friends. No one else was allowed to get close. Even the outside fringes of their friends and acquaintances - anyone beyond Quatre, Trowa, and Heero - those were held cautiously at arm's length, only allowed to know the quiet, distant, efficient coworker. And Heero was a bit - disturbed - by the fact that Une and the others in that outer grouping did not really understand just how little they knew about Duo as he now was. They all *liked* the new, "mature" Duo, writing all the changes in him off as signs of maturity rather than recognizing them as the coping mechanism that they were.



"Do you need to talk?" Heero offered as Duo continued to hover in his doorway.



"I... I dreamt about - well, you know..."



"I know..." Heero agreed softly. Actually, he *didn't* know, not for sure, but he could guess. Either the old nightmares about Solo and the church were putting in another appearance or Duo had dreamt about Wufei. Wartime nightmares had a different effect on Duo, sending him off to the apartment building's gym at unearthly hours of the night to burn off the adrenaline and anger.



"Heero, I... I don't want to be alone tonight." The words came out in a rush. "Could I..."



Shocked to his core that Duo was actually reaching out, breaking past another of his carefully erected barriers, Heero still managed to force himself into action. "Of course," he said, flipping back the covers in invitation before sliding well over on the bed. He left one sheet against the mattress when he flipped the covers back, leaving it between them as a reminder to himself not to crowd too close to Duo.



Duo hesitated again beside the bed, then reached out and moved the other sheet before crawling in. "Could you... just hold me?" he whispered softly.



Heero swallowed hard, then reached out, gathering Duo to him carefully. The amount of trembling that was shaking Duo worried him, made him concerned that this was too much contact - too much intimacy - for Duo, but when he started to loosen his embrace, Duo protested, "No... Tighter, Heero. Hold me tighter, please..."



"Alright," he murmured softly, tightening his hold. After a few minutes, Duo shifted, tucking his head under Heero's chin and entwining their legs, pressing their bodies as tightly together as possible. More time passed, how much Heero really didn't know, but finally the trembling ceased and Duo's breathing and heartbeat levelled off at something closer to a normal resting rate. He had decided that Duo was finally asleep and was just about to let himself drift off, still overwhelmed by this unexpected show of trust from Duo, when a soft voice pulled him back to full consciousness.



"You... won't leave me, will you Heero? At least, not by choice?"



"Never, Duo," he swore fervently. "Never by choice." Between them lay the knowledge that there were many things that could happen to take him away *without* any choice. A mission gone bad, a car accident, an illness, all those were things that could take him away without his consent. But if he *did* have a choice, he would not walk away from Duo. Not now, not ever. Regardless of whether their relationship ever progressed any further or not.



"Okay," Duo whispered softly. "You know I l... l..."



Heero closed his eyes and pressed a kiss to the top of Duo's head, tightening his arms around him slightly. "I know. The fact that you're even here with me tells me that," he assured him, heart aching at the fruitless struggle for the words. "And I do you too," he promised, carefully avoiding that forbidden word. He had no desire to trigger a panic attack and set them back again after all the progress they'd just made. "Now sleep. We both have work tomorrow..."



Work that he was looking forward to less and less as time went on. As it became increasingly clear that to Une and the other top brass, they were nothing more than tools, tools which were not expected to have any sort of personal life whatsoever. Trowa had already quit in disgust after being sent on two multi-month undercover operations in a row, operations that could easily have been assigned to someone else, someone who was *not* in a longterm relationship. But while *married* operatives were, by and large, excused from such assignments, same-sex relationships were not given the same courtesy. When Une had handed him the orders for the third such assignment, Trowa had handed them right back again, along with his resignation. Heero agreed with his decision. There were plenty of other trained agents in the Preventers, Trowa was entitled to a life of his own.



Heero was a bit concerned about what would happen when Une finally figured out that he and Duo were more than best friends, which they were even if they weren't technically lovers - yet. Logically, nothing *should* happen since if same-sex relationships weren't entitled to equal status with marriages in other ways, they shouldn't fall under the no-married-partners rule either. But he wasn't betting on it. Since he had no intention of accepting another partner, however, she would be left with a simple choice - leave him partnered with Duo, let him go solo, or accept his resignation. He just didn't like the fact that the last two choices would leave Duo partnered with someone else. Unless Duo was willing to follow his example. And that was something he really didn't know. Duo's job had been the only thing keeping Duo going during the year after Wufei left; he wasn't certain that Duo would be willing to walk away from it now.



***



Wufei shook his head fondly. Jun simply would not admit that she needed more rest as the pregnancy progressed. This was the second time in the past week that she had fallen asleep at the table, papers spread across its surface. 'She is very determined that everything be in place before the baby is born. That we will be ready to face the elders and tell them that not only will we not allow them to arrange our child's marriage but that they no longer have full control of the clan's finances nor of the colony's administration. That the power has been returned to Jun's hands. That our generation will not allow the next to be manipulated and controlled like puppets suspended from the strings of honour and duty.'



Carefully, Wufei lifted his wife's sleeping form and carried her to her room. He had turned back the covers beforehand so he was able to place her on the bed, remove her thin slippers, and tuck her in. Pausing in her doorway and glancing back towards the bed, Wufei thought how very like Meilan she was - and yet very unlike her at the same time. The determination and stubbornness were certainly the same. But Jun's temper was less fiery than her sister's had been. That did not mean that she was meek by any means; merely that she had other - possibly more effective - ways of expressing her displeasure. Something that the elders were going to find out in the not-too-distant future.



Pulling the door closed behind him, Wufei returned to take up the task that Jun had been working on, tracing clan financial records back to determine how much money should actually belong to individual families within the clan. Offering to return at least a percentage of those funds to the direct control of their rightful owners should buy Jun a few more supporters. And every extra supporter they could muster would improve their chances of success.



***



Duo ran his fingers lightly across Heero's chest, not even consciously thinking about what he was doing. It had been hot for the last week or so and they had both taken to sleeping in only boxers. He'd been a bit uncomfortable the first night but that had quickly faded. They'd shared a bed for a whole month now, ever since that night...



'That night that I dreamed about... about Wufei.' It hurt just to think about it. He wasn't sure he'd ever be able to talk about it. But - remembering what had happened, reliving the abandonment, the agonizing pain and betrayal, the terrible loneliness and emptiness that followed, the barriers he'd so carefully erected to keep himself from ever being hurt so deeply again - that hadn't been enough to send him to Heero's room looking for reassurance that he was *not* alone. No, it was the nightmare that followed that sent him seeking the comfort of Heero's arms. The one in which he relived Heero being shot. He had stumbled from his bed and down the hall to stand in Heero's doorway just listening to him breathe. He hadn't intended to wake Heero or to go in. But once Heero spoke to him, the longing to be close, to rest with Heero's reassuring heartbeat against his ear, had risen up strong enough to blot out the panic at the thought of that degree of intimacy. And for a while, just sleeping with Heero, lying here together like this, had been enough. But over the past few days, the wish for more had been growing stronger.



He hadn't wanted their first time together to be at night. Duo wanted the sunlight streaming in the window and falling across the bed. Wanted things as different as he could possibly make them from his first time with... He pushed the memory away firmly, still unable to remember the good without drowning in the pain that had followed. He wanted things as different as possible in order both to make his first time with Heero equally special and to reduce the chance of being swamped by memories. And finally, the time had arrived. Today was their day off and he had certain plans in mind. He just hoped that he could follow through with them. He still couldn't tell Heero how he felt, much to his frustration, but he had every intention of showing him.



Duo tugged his braid over his shoulder and pulled the tie off the end, untwisting the bottom section and leaving the rest to gradually unravel on its own. He suspected Heero would help it along. He hadn't let Heero take his hair out of the braid before; it had been just one more of the little acts of intimacy that he hadn't been ready to allow. No one else had touched his hair since that blurry chunk of time that Heero and Quatre had cared for him right after Wufei's engagement announcement. Once he'd started to erect those barriers against intimacy, against caring, his hair had once again become the only thing that was truly his, just as it had been when he was merely "Duo", one of the street kids. He knew Heero would understand the significance of him voluntarily leaving it loose now.



Part of Duo was still terrified at the thought of daring to love again, of daring to believe that he might have a chance at happiness and a home with someone he loved and who loved him in return, of daring to *trust*; that was the part that still wouldn't let him say the words. The part of him that made him have to stop and concentrate, remind himself that this was Heero, his best friend, the person who would never hurt him, who had promised not to ever leave him by choice. But the rest of him wanted this so badly... Wanted to believe, wanted to trust, wanted to *love*... 'And I do. I l.. lo... I *love* Heero.' He could finally *think* it at least, even if he couldn't quite *say* it yet.



Propping himself up on one elbow, Duo leaned over and began to scatter tiny kisses across Heero's skin. He heard the indrawn breath and felt the sudden tension in Heero's muscles that told him Heero had awakened. Duo pressed a kiss directly over Heero's heart, then raised his head to meet Heero's questioning gaze. "Good morning..." he smiled, then drew his breath in and carefully added, "...k-koibito." He stuttered slightly and his voice cracked a bit on the word, but he managed to get it out. He and Wufei had always used English or Mandarin endearments; he had hoped that maybe, without the memories added to the emotional significance, he would be able to handle Japanese ones. He couldn't - quite - force out an "ai shiteru" just yet, not even in practice, but he'd been able to handle a few endearments. That hadn't guaranteed he could handle saying them to Heero but he'd taken the gamble anyway - and it had succeeded. The wondering joy on Heero's face was enough to take his breath away. As he leaned over to plunder Heero's parted lips, Duo felt a bit more of the tight knot of pain and heartache loosen.



Drawing back slightly, Duo murmured softly, "If we - umm, do things differently than I did - before - I think I'll be okay, Heero. As long as things don't remind me too much, I should be able to handle this. And - I *want* to... If you do?"



Heero reached up and gently threaded his fingers through Duo's hair, thumbs stroking his cheeks. "Very much. But only whatever you're comfortable with, k - Duo."



"Go ahead, Heero. Try it," Duo insisted. "If we get out of my comfort zone, we'll just stop till I calm down then start again. We've got all day..."



With a soft smile, Heero answered a bit hesitantly, "If that's what you want, koi."



Duo's breath caught for an instant, then he smiled in relief. "It is, koibito." The endearment came more easily this time. And he'd felt only the slightest flicker of worry in response to Heero's term for him. 'So that's really the key. Avoid the memories. Which means... Shit.' "Uh, Heero, I've never been top before... if we're gonna avoid triggering memories... umm..." Duo's cheeks flooded with warmth. He hadn't really thought that far ahead. His relationship with - his previous relationship had just started out one way and it had been comfortable for them both, so the question of who took which role had never really come up, they'd just kept doing things the same way. So changing roles now should help avoid triggering memories and the panic that inevitably followed. And being top also gave at least an illusion of control, something he couldn't quite bring himself to give up yet, despite his love for Heero. The distrust and wariness ran too deep; his conscious mind alone was unable to overcome it entirely. But he really didn't know if Heero would be comfortable with things that way around.



"I've never been either, Duo, so I don't mind which way things work," Heero assured him. "Whatever is most comfortable for you."



Stunned, Duo stared at Heero. "Never?" he squeaked in surprise.



Heero's smile turned rueful, "If I couldn't have the one I wanted, I didn't want anyone at all..."



Duo's breath caught and he gave Heero a loving smile. "Then I'd better make this worth the wait, hadn't I?" And he would. He would make love to Heero with all the love and tenderness and passion he possessed. Use his body and their lovemaking to tell Heero all the things he couldn't put into words; all the things that he'd built such strong barriers against in the wake of his loss of Wufei. 'God Heero, I love you so much...' he thought fervently as he swooped down to capture Heero's lips in a passionate kiss. 'And one day, I *will* be able to tell you in words, not just actions. I swear it...'



***



Heero ran his fingers wonderingly through the cascades of silk that spilled across his chest. The day had been - incredible. Wonderful. Unbelievable. From the moment he awoke to Duo's feather-light kisses on his chest and that gorgeous hair unravelling from its braid to caress his bare skin, he had been half convinced that he must be dreaming. That Duo couldn't possibly be touching him so gently and caringly, couldn't be gazing at him with so much love and passion, couldn't be trusting him and his love enough to be making love to him so tenderly. But it hadn't been a dream; it had been real.



He and Duo hadn't left the apartment all day. Had never gotten dressed beyond pulling on a pair of boxers while they fixed meals and ate. Had showered together - several times. Had made love repeatedly. Despite how incredibly careful and gentle Duo had been, never causing more than a very slight discomfort, it was inevitable that Heero would be sore tomorrow. His body wasn't used to this yet, though he now could believe he would have the opportunity to become accustomed to Duo making love to him, something he'd scarcely dared believe possible not too long ago. Heero just hoped that they didn't have a field assignment tomorrow or he was probably going to regret coaxing Duo into taking him that last time. The wince he hadn't quite been able to hide afterwards had drawn an affectionate scolding for overdoing things from Duo, followed by a warm soak together in the tub. But that feeling of being joined so intimately, of being one with Duo, was so incredible that he hadn't been able to resist.



Beautiful though the day had been, it had still had its rough spots. He had slipped up and unthinkingly said "ai shiteru" once. Duo had frozen, trembling, but hadn't had a full-fledged panic attack. And after only a few moments, he had given Heero a shaky but beautiful smile before picking up where he had left off, kissing and caressing his way down Heero's torso. 'He *is* getting better,' Heero thought hopefully. Perhaps Duo would never be quite his old self; he certainly was far from it in public; but at home, with just Heero, he smiled with increasing frequency and Heero had even drawn a genuine grin and laugh from him on several memorable occasions in the past few weeks. The progress was slow, painfully so, but it *was* happening. Heero even dared hope that someday maybe, just maybe, Duo might even manage to tell Heero that he loved him. The words would be nice - though not entirely necessary. Every bit of hard-won progress proved that love in no uncertain terms.



***



Jun pressed one hand to her aching back. She would be very glad when all of this - the pregnancy, the charade of being the dutiful clan leader firmly under the elders' control - was over. And the day was rapidly nearing. *Very* rapidly.



She hastily signed and stamped the last few items from her urgent pile before picking up the phone. A moment later, she was saying, "Wufei, it's time," then shaking her head fondly at the surprised reaction from the other end. After reassuring him that there was no real rush, she could easily wait for him to arrive and take her to the hospital, Jun hung up the phone and sighed heavily. Now things would begin to happen very quickly. The elders would probably start the marriage contract pressure immediately after the baby's birth and all pretense of obedience would be thrown to the wind. She hoped that she and Wufei were ready for this.



***



Duo listened cynically as Une calmly informed them that it had been brought to her attention that he and Heero were - "involved" - and she regretted to inform them that they could no longer be partners. 'Regretted - yeah, right. Pull the other one, Une-babe, it's got bells on...' There was no disguising the moue of distaste she had given as she spoke. He had his own theory as to why Une seemed to have it in for any male couples in the department. A theory that involved a dead Oz General and a certain "Lightning Count". Nothing he could *prove*, no more than he could prove her discriminatory tendencies unfortunately, but he didn't think Wufei's departure was the only reason Zechs had quit Preventers. There had been other people in the department who would have made adequate partners. Though perhaps they hadn't been too willing to be partnered with the person who somehow seemed to always end up with the dullest, dirtiest assignments, something that Wufei had complained about on a regular basis.



"Since we do not really have anyone suitable to partner either of you available at this time," Une continued, "Yuy is the ideal choice for this mission. Maxwell can assist with administrative duties until a new partner is available."



Duo stiffened. 'What mission?' He wasn't too thrilled with being relegated to administrative duties - aka Une's gopher he thought scornfully - but the mission Une was giving Heero was rapidly swamping his annoyance with panic. 'A minimum of six months deep cover in an undisclosed location? No! God, no, please... I can't...' He fought to control the rising fear. 'He *can't*; Heero *promised*...'



Heero had promised not to leave him by choice - but this wasn't choice, this was a mission. And Heero Yuy never turned down a mission. 'He'll come back; it's only six months...' Duo tried to convince himself but that tiny part of him that still couldn't bring itself to trust was shrieking its vindication.



Duo watched dully as Heero skimmed through the briefing he had been handed. After a few moments, Heero closed the folder with a decisive snap. Duo struggled to breathe as Heero intoned, "Mission - refused."



"What?!" Duo vaguely realized that Une had shouted the same shocked exclamation as he had.



"Mission refused," Heero repeated, tossing the folder back onto Une's desk and crossing the room in two quick strides to catch Duo around the waist as his legs abruptly gave out on him. "There are at least five other agents in this office alone who are perfectly qualified to undertake that mission and are *not* involved in a longterm relationship. There is no compelling reason for it to be me that goes."



Duo leaned into Heero, grateful for the strong arm supporting him. 'He *refused*?! Heero *refused* a mission? For - me? For *us*?'



"And there is no compelling reason why it should not be," Une gritted out coldly. "This is a paramilitary organization, not a democracy. You *are* going on that mission Yuy. That is an order."



"I am *not* going. You will have my resignation on your desk just as soon as I can print it out," Heero answered equally icily. Despite the cold tone, Heero's hold on Duo was warm and supportive, fingers stroking gently, reassuringly.



Une's gaze narrowed angrily. "Fine. You have until the end of this shift to do so and clear out your things. I do not want to see you back here after today." She turned and snatched the folder off of the desk. "As for the mission... Maxwell..."



"You'll have my resignation along with Heero's," Duo said sharply. He had had enough of this. Joining the Preventers had been Wufei's idea to start with; he didn't *regret* the time he had spent here but it had been becoming increasingly unpleasant lately. And he definitely had no wish to stay without Heero. 'Heero...'



Duo was barely aware of Une's icy dismissal and their return to their desks to print out letters of resignation before clearing out their office. He simply followed Heero's guidance, too lost in his own thoughts to concentrate on what he was supposed to be doing. 'Heero refused a *mission* because of us. *Quit* because of us. Because he wouldn't leave me, not even for a six-month mission...' The joy and wonder spreading through Duo silenced that skeptical little voice once and for all. Missions were to Heero what honour was to Wufei. If Heero wouldn't even leave him for a *mission*... 'I can trust him. Really and truly trust him. He loves me more than anything...'



***



Heero stole a worried glance at Duo as he pulled into the apartment building's parking garage. Duo had been silent and distracted ever since Une pulled that little stunt. 'God, I hope this hasn't set him back again...' he thought unhappily. He had *known* Une would pull something sooner or later; that she would at the very least forbid that they work together as partners. He wished that he had quit sooner, before she did this. He had been terrified that Duo would have a panic attack at the news of the mission's expected duration; had wanted nothing more than to mould Duo's body tightly to his and murmur reassurances of his love and continued presence but had been equally afraid that doing so would only make the panic attack inevitable.



They rode the elevator up to their apartment in silence, walking side by side yet not touching. The lump of fear in Heero's throat continued to swell. If Une's little stunt had hurt Duo, had driven him back into his isolation... He didn't know what he would do. It had taken them *months* to reach their current level of intimacy; having to start over again was a truly frightening thought.



His fears went up in smoke once the apartment door closed behind them. Duo turned to him, one hand reaching to pull his braid over his shoulder and offer the end to Heero. "Ai shiteru, Heero. Make love to me?" he said breathlessly.



Heero froze, eyes widening in disbelief. Duo's smile widened, joy and love clearly reflected in sparkling amethyst eyes. "Duo?" Heero whispered in shock.



Duo reached out and caught Heero's hand, raising it and pressing the braid into it. "I l-love you, Heero. Make love to me, koi."



'He *said* it - he actually *said* it...' Heero thought, stunned. Fumbling as he pulled the elastic off the braid and gently shook Duo's hair loose, Heero murmured shakily, "I love you too, Duo. Love you so much..."



Still smiling radiantly, Duo answered, "I know you do Heero. *Really* know it now." He took Heero's hand and pressed it over his heart. "Know it in *here* not just with my mind..."



Heero pulled Duo into a tight embrace. "You were so quiet after we left Une's office... I was afraid..."



"I'm sorry, koi... I didn't realize how you might interpret my distraction. I was - in shock, I guess. You refused a *mission* for me - for *us*. It just - took a while to really sink in. You love me that much..."



His breath caught sharply as Heero realized exactly what Duo meant. That he had just passed the greatest test of their relationship without even noticing it. 'That by choosing our relationship over a mission - regardless of the fact that it did *not* require me specifically - I proved I wouldn't leave him. That he was more important to me.' That Heero wouldn't choose duty over love the way that Wufei had.



And even if his presence on that mission *had* been critical, he would have found other options. They could have restructured the operation so that the two of them went undercover together regardless of Une's insistence that they no longer partner one another. Had his presence been truly essential, she would have had to give in. He was no longer the slavishly obedient soldier that he had once been; he knew where his own priorities lay and was willing to stand up for them. To defend his relationship with Duo.



"Make love to me Heero," Duo insisted again before kissing him passionately.



'Does he mean what I think he does? That he wants me to take him this time?' "You mean..."



Duo nodded, his smile changing to a broad grin.



Heero pounced, scooping Duo off of his feet and drawing a startled peal of bright laughter from him. "With pleasure," Heero smirked as he carried his lover down the hall to their room.



***



Wufei watched silently as Jun tucked their infant daughter into her crib. He adored tiny Meilan and respected the determined woman who was her mother and his wife. But sometimes he felt guilty that he could be so happy in the presence of his child knowing that she existed only because he had betrayed and abandoned the one he loved.



'I need to face Duo and apologize properly...' he decided reluctantly. 'Need to see just how badly my betrayal has affected him. Whether he has been able to move on and be happy again.'



Was he really ready for that? Ready to possibly see Duo happy with someone else? Or worse, to discover that Duo had *not* been able to move on? That his betrayal had left Duo unable to trust or love again?



Wufei wasn't sure. And at the moment, both he and Jun were still too deeply involved in correcting at least some of the problems that the elders had created with their meddling for him to leave. But he knew that he was going to have to face Duo soon, whether he was ready or not. Because if he didn't, his guilt would eventually taint his relationship with his daughter as well as destroying any chance that he and Jun could ever learn to at least love one another even if they never were *in* love with each other. And Mei deserved more than that even if Wufei himself did not.



***



As Duo raced down the path to the stables ahead of them, Quatre said softly, "Heero, what did you *do*? He's - almost his old self again! At least around the three of us..."



A tiny half-smile tugged at the corner of Heero's mouth. "I just loved him, Quatre... Once he finally truly accepted that..." He spread his hands and shrugged slightly. "And I think that leaving the Preventers and deciding to move helped too. Neither of us was very happy with our jobs anymore. And a change of location will mean that he isn't running into memories at every turn either."



"Are you thinking about moving here?" Quatre asked eagerly.



Heero nodded. "Yes. We've talked about this quite a bit and agreed that we would like to be near you and Trowa again. We've missed those weekend get-togethers since Trowa quit the Preventers and the two of you moved to L4. Particularly since Duo still won't let anyone else close enough to become friends. I suspect that will never change at this point."



"So some of the damage, some of the change, is permanent," Trowa commented quietly and a bit grimly.



Silently, Heero dipped his head in agreement. Just before they reached the stables, he added, "But he'll argue with me now instead of simply going silent and retreating. And he hasn't had a panic attack since well before we quit. I don't have to watch every word I say around him either. He smiles and he laughs now. He may not be the same as he once was but he's still *Duo*, not the pale shadow of himself that he was for so long."



***



Duo smiled across at Quatre. The blond and Trowa were curled up together on the couch facing the one that he and Heero shared. Quatre's smile in return was distinctly sleepy. The warmth from the artificial fireplace at the end of the room was making them all sleepy after an active day of swimming and riding. It had been a wonderful day; a day spent with his only real friends. Though the gap left by the absence of one of the group had been felt by them all at different points and in different ways.



Snuggling down in Heero's arms, Duo still felt that tiny ache deep inside. That Wufei-shaped hole in his heart. He loved Heero, was in love with Heero; there was no question in his mind or heart about those feelings. He loved Heero just as much as he had loved - and in a way still, reluctantly, loved - Wufei. But he also trusted Heero and had faith that his love was returned in equal measure. Something that he no longer could say about Wufei.



Because despite the fact that he knew how important the Chang family honour was to Wufei, Duo was still very hurt and angry that it had meant more to him than their love. And despite what he had said two years ago - that he knew Wufei had to go through with the engagement or it would destroy them anyway - he resented the fact that Wufei hadn't told him about the situation, *discussed* it with him, taken his input into consideration, before making a decision. That he hadn't treated him as an equal; had made the decision on behalf of them both. The betrayal wasn't only of their love, it was of the trust and friendship between them as well.



Duo didn't know whether things would have turned out any different in the end but he still felt that Wufei should have given him a chance to at least make his own views known. It would have been just as painful when Wufei left him but at least he might have felt a sense of closure. And perhaps the lingering anger and bitterness would not be as strong or as lasting.



As it was, he was moving on to a whole new chapter in his life with the feeling that a previous part was still incomplete. Duo wished that he could truly move on but that whole feeling of "unfinished business" made it difficult. He would just have to leave the past behind as best he could, however, since a new part of his life was definitely beginning. He and Heero would discuss Quatre's offer later in private but he suspected that they would end up taking it. Living here and working for WEI would let them spend plenty of time with their friends. And having an entire floor of one wing to themselves would provide enough privacy to keep them happy too.



'And I *am* happy,' Duo thought wonderingly. Not "almost content" or even "content" but genuinely *happy*. Oh, there was still that part of his heart that ached but then nothing was ever perfect. His heart still had bits that ached for Sister Helen and Father and Solo too. Those aches weren't quite as bad as the one created by Wufei's absence but then time had dulled them somewhat; perhaps the ache for Wufei - not just for the lost love but for the lost trust and friendship - would eventually dim to the more distant ache that the others he'd loved and lost had left behind. For now, though, it was bearable and the love that he and Heero shared was more than enough to make him happier than he could have believed possible even a year ago.



Tilting his head so that he could see Heero's face, Duo murmured softly, "Love you, 'Ro..."



Heero smiled and bent his head to kiss Duo tenderly. As he drew back, he responded, "And I love you, Duo. Happy?"



"Very..." Very happy indeed...

"Are you sure about this?" Heero asked softly, one hand raising to gently cup Duo's face.

Duo turned his head to press a kiss against that caressing hand, then lifted his eyes to meet Heero's. "I'm sure," he said firmly. "Trowa's not well enough to go with Q; his lungs are still too congested from that damn cold for space travel. One of us three needs to be with Quat to look after security; he's just too damn well known to go unrecognized and the more politically active he gets, the more enemies he makes. Hell, he's probably even more of a target than Relena by now 'cause he gets targeted just for being head of WEI too. So that means you *have* to go with him to handle security. I can't go along too 'cause I've got that meeting for WEI's charity division with those children's hospital administrators. So I've got to stay here. I'll be okay, Heero, really." He slid his arms around Heero's waist and rested his head against Heero's shoulder. "It's only a week, koi. I know you'll be back. And I can always call you if I need to hear your voice; you've got your cellphone with you..."

Heero's arms closed tightly around Duo as he ordered, "Promise me you'll call right away if you need me, Duo. I don't care what damn meeting we're in the middle of; I'll always answer my phone. And if you need me here, I'll drag Quatre on the shuttle and be back as fast as we can make this hopped-up junkheap fly. We'll commute from here to L1 every fucking day if we have to. Understood?!"

For a moment, Duo wasn't sure whether to be touched or ticked off that Heero was taking this whole business of leaving him behind so damn seriously. Okay, so it *was* the first time they'd been apart so much as overnight since he'd moved in with Heero a year ago. And yeah, he had some - issues - about abandonment. But he trusted Heero; he knew his lover would be back as soon as possible. 'Overprotective bastard...' he thought in slightly amused annoyance.

In the end, the amusement won out. Duo snickered and blew a loud, wet, raspberry against Heero's neck, making him yelp and jump. "Don't be an idiot, Yuy," Duo scolded, drawing back slightly. "I. Will. Be. Fine." He hugged Heero affectionately and kissed him deeply. "Ai shiteru, 'Ro. Don't let Q work too hard, watch your damn back, and come home safe." Grinning mischievously, he added, "Better get lots of rest on the trip back, though, 'cause you won't be getting much sleep after leaving me with only my hand for company for a whole week..." He wiggled his eyebrows and leered suggestively.

Duo's little performance got the desired result. Heero laughed, at least some of the worry clearing from his face. He leaned forward to murmur huskily in Duo's ear, "I'll be looking forward to it, koibito."

Duo shivered as Heero nipped his earlobe gently and whispered, "Ai shiteru, Duo," before dropping a quick kiss on the tip of his nose and giving him a final farewell hug. Duo waved and called "Bye, Q. Safe trip!" as he turned to exit the shuttle, meeting Trowa outside. They both stood at an observation window and watched as the shuttle launched.

As the shuttle moved out of sight, Duo shivered slightly and wrapped his arms around himself. It was going to be one hell of a long week...

***

"Stop pacing and just call him, Yuy!"

Heero stopped in his tracks at the sheer annoyance in Quatre's voice. "I can't. He told me that if I called him again today he was going to flush his cellphone down the toilet."

"*Again?!*" Quatre exclaimed. "You mean you've already called him and you're *still* acting like a mare with a newly-weaned foal?!"

Shooting a glare at Quatre, Heero muttered reluctantly, "Yes." He was just - concerned. He wanted to be sure that Duo knew he was thinking of him; knew that he was eager to get back to him. "He just sounds so - subdued. I can't help worrying..."

"And exactly how many times *have* you called him today if he's annoyed enough to threaten to - dispose - of his phone?" Quatre demanded.

Heero grunted, not wanting to admit the truth.

"*Heero...*" the blond Arabian said insistently.

Sighing, Heero mumbled, "Three..." When he woke up, again at lunch, and again after supper. Which was when Duo had threatened to flush his cellphone and had hung up on Heero. And of course now he just wanted to apologize but he couldn't call back even to do *that* or Duo would probably follow through on that threat. 'And I'd wanted to call at bedtime too, just to say goodnight like we did last night...' Of course, that had been the *only* time he'd called yesterday since they'd just arrived and checked in to the hotel in time to go to bed.

"*Three?!* In *one* day?" Quatre exclaimed in clear disbelief. "Heero, I know that you want to reassure him but it's no wonder he's annoyed with you! You're acting as if you expect him to fall apart without you there; that's not exactly reassuring nor is it the way that someone wants their mate to think about them! You need to trust *him* too!"

"Of course I trust him," Heero protested. "I just..."

"If you trust him, then you'd better start acting like it," Quatre warned, cutting Heero off sharply. "Have a little faith, Heero. Don't make Duo think that you doubt his love and trust by hovering too much." He sighed, then admitted sheepishly, "Besides, Trowa has strict instructions to let me know immediately if he thinks we need to come back."

"See?! You're worried too!"

"Yes *but* - I also think that Duo needs to prove to himself that he can handle this," Quatre said seriously. "It doesn't have to be *easy* for him; I don't expect that it will be. But he needs to know that he *can* be away from you for a while without falling apart or isolating himself again, Heero. He *could* have rescheduled that meeting he has later this week. Or he could have come with us and just flown back in time for it. Duo *chose* to stay behind for the whole week."

Heero sighed heavily and sank into a chair, running his hand through his hair. "You're right, Quatre. I need to give him a little space and trust that he'll call if he needs me... Dammit, and I can't even call to apologize..."

Quatre shook his head and said, "I'll be calling Trowa later on; I'll get him to tell Duo that you're sorry for being such an idiot and that you want him to call you so you can apologize. Okay?"

"Thanks, Quatre."

"You're welcome, Heero." As Quatre turned his attention back to the documents he'd been reading, Heero heard him mutter under his breath, "Three calls in one day? Good grief..."

***

Drawing a deep breath, Wufei forced himself to quickly punch in a long-memorized phone number. Quatre had sent him an email nearly a year ago informing Wufei that Trowa and himself were now living at the main Winner estate on L4 and giving him their private number "in case you ever need anything, my friend". As the phone rang, Wufei wondered what Quatre would say. After all, he hadn't spoken to any of the others in - god, had it really been well over two years - almost three? Duo was the one he really needed to talk to; to apologize to and ask for forgiveness. But he thought that it was best to start by mending his friendship with Quatre and Trowa first. They would be able to fill him in on how Duo was doing and to help set up a meeting with him. 'Duo was always very generous and forgiving; surely he'll at least let me talk to him...'

"Winner residence," a familiar voice said, drawing Wufei's gaze to the vid-phone's screen in disbelief.

"Duo?!" Wufei exclaimed, breath leaving him in a painful rush. His eyes met startled violet ones that widened in shock. Pain flickered across that beloved face for an instant before it went expressionless, eyes turning to cold, hard amethyst. Without a word, Duo turned and walked away, leaving the phone connected. "Duo, wait!" Only a slight hitch in Duo's stride indicated that he'd even heard Wufei. As the body that he'd once known as intimately as his own disappeared through the room's door, Wufei called fruitlessly, "Duo, please, I need to talk to you!"

He could distantly hear Duo's voice calling, "Tro, phone!" an instant later. 'What is Duo doing at Quatre's place on L4? Did he transfer? Leave Preventers?' Wufei's train of thought was interrupted as Trowa entered the room.

"Wufei?!" Trowa exclaimed. "Oh shit..." Trowa glanced over his shoulder towards the door, face tightening with concern. "Of all the lousy timing..."

"Trowa, why is Duo there? How is he?" Wufei demanded anxiously.

"Did he say anything to you?" Trowa asked sternly.

"No, not a thing. Trowa..."

"I'm sorry Wufei, I'll have to call you back," Trowa interrupted sharply. He reached out to disconnect the call, then paused for an instant to say, "It's good to hear from you again Wufei. I *will* call back in a while. Goodbye for now."

"Trowa, wait..." Wufei protested to no avail. The screen before him went dark as the call was disconnected. He slammed his fist against the desk in frustration. 'What the hell is going on there?' Wufei slumped in his chair, heart aching at the icy look Duo had given him in addition to the pain of seeing the man he still loved after all this time. 'Duo...'

***

"Duo? Duo, I know you're in there, open the door."

Duo ignored the knocking and calling, wrapping himself more tightly around the pillow that still held just a hint of Heero's scent after nearly a week of his absence. He wanted Heero so damn bad right now... Wanted the reassurance of being wrapped in his arms, of his husky murmurs of love and comfort, of his promises to never choose to leave him...

'I could call 'Ro, I know that... But after his overprotectiveness earlier this week, I really don't want to spoil things by calling in the middle of the day; he'll hear my voice and be dragging Quatre to the shuttleport before the call's over...' And that in itself was so damn tempting that there was no way in hell that Duo would let himself call. He couldn't cling to Heero that tightly; couldn't wreck their relationship by being so damn needy. 'I can wait; they're due home in two days anyway...'

"Duo Maxwell, either you open that door and talk to me right now or I'm calling Heero," Trowa threatened grimly from the hallway.

"No!" Duo protested, hurling himself off the bed and towards the door. He unjammed the lock and opened the door reluctantly. "Don't do that Trowa, please," he pleaded. "I'm okay, really. They'll be back Sunday anyway and Heero will call tonight to talk to me. I don't want them coming back early because of me... God, Tro, Heero won't ever leave me on my own even overnight again if they do that!"

Trowa sighed heavily. "Alright. I won't mention Wufei's call until they return. On one condition - you have to promise to tell Heero right away when he gets back."

"Promise," Duo nodded. That wasn't a problem; he'd had no intention of hiding it. He didn't keep secrets from Heero. There were some things he literally couldn't talk about, at least not so far, and others that simply hadn't come up but he didn't deliberately hide anything from Heero. He counted on his support too much for that. And he knew that his openness helped show Heero how much he loved and trusted him too.

Seeing how anxious Trowa still looked, Duo repeated, "I'm okay, Tro, honest. It was just - well, kind of a shock. I just wanted to get out of there..." 'And I really don't want to hear anything *he* has to say...' he added silently.

"If you want to talk Duo, you know that Quatre and I are always willing to listen..." Trowa offered. "If you need to talk about things that you don't feel comfortable discussing with Heero..."

A bit tentatively, Duo reached out and gave Trowa a quick hug, "Thanks for the offer Tro. But - well, I guess I probably *need* to talk to Heero about all that stuff..." Even if he really didn't want to. 'Even if I'm not sure that I *can*...'

***

Heero and Quatre let themselves into the house silently. They were back nearly eighteen hours early. Quatre had finished his meetings earlier than scheduled and they'd decided to check out and fly back rather than spending the night. Neither one of them cared that they would be arriving in the middle of the night; they were more interested in getting home.

Separating at the top of the stairs, Heero and Quatre each headed towards their own wing of the house. Heero opened his bedroom door and slipped in quietly, making just enough noise that Duo wouldn't waken on full alert in response to an intruder who was trying to be too quiet. He made a brief stop in the bathroom, washing off the grime of a long day and stripping to his boxers before heading for the bed.

Heero smothered a snicker at the sight of Duo clutching *his* pillow. 'I guess it's safe to say that he missed me...' He slid into the bed and started to ease his pillow out of Duo's grasp, intending to transfer that tight hold to himself. Then he caught a glimpse of Duo's face in the dim light. It was tightly drawn and - were those *tearstains* on his cheeks?! He gently tugged the pillow again, wondering what the hell had happened to upset Duo that badly.

"No! Don't go, don't leave me..." Duo cried out sharply, clutching frantically at the pillow Heero had just pulled free.

"Shh, Duo, I'm here..." Heero murmured, quickly pulling Duo into his arms. 'Dammit, I *knew* I shouldn't have gone...'

With a sharp gasp, Duo's eyes flew open. "Heero?! You're here?!"

As Duo's arms wrapped tightly around him and he tucked his head under Heero's chin, Heero stroked Duo's back and murmured in explanation, "Quatre's meetings finished early so we decided to come straight home instead of waiting..."

"I'm glad... I wouldn't let Tro tell you till you guys got back, didn't want you to have to come back early just for me but I'm glad you *did* get back sooner than expected. Heero, W... W... Dammit," Duo swore, "I can't say the fucking *name*." He took a deep breath and choked out, "*Chang* called - I was near the phone so I answered; it kind of - threw me a bit."

Heero froze. He forced uncooperative vocal chords into action with difficulty, asking, "Are you okay? What did he want?" 'Please don't say he wants you back...'

Duo raised his head enough to shake it fiercely and mutter, "I don't know. I just walked away and called Tro to the phone. I don't want to hear anything *he* has to say."

"You didn't answer my other question. Are you okay?" Heero insisted gently.

Face pressed into the crook of Heero's neck, Duo mumbled, "I am now that you're here." He drew back slightly so that his voice was clearer as he said, "Ro, I really was okay up till then. I mean, I missed you but I *was* getting some sleep and I wasn't having really bad nightmares or anything. Seeing him and hearing his voice like that was just a big shock and it kind of upset me. But I didn't want you guys to come back early just 'cause of me; for god's sake I'm a fucking former Gundam pilot, not some wussy heroine out of a romance novel. I knew you'd be back soon, koi, I could handle the wait. Wasn't exactly my idea of *fun*, but I could handle it..."

Suppressing the urge to scold Duo for not telling him when they talked on the phone Friday night, Heero realized that he had only himself to blame for the delay. If he hadn't been such a fussbudget that first day he was away, Duo probably would have told him. As it was, Duo had been - justifiably, he admitted - afraid that he would drop everything and rush home. 'Quatre was right; I'm going to hurt our relationship if I keep overreacting to things. Duo trusted me to come home to him; if he'd been able to trust that I *wouldn't* come rushing home if he asked me not to then he wouldn't have had to wait to tell me about this.' "I'm sorry I was such an idiot earlier in the week, Duo. I didn't mean to imply that you couldn't handle being on your own, koi; I was feeling guilty about leaving you alone and those calls had as much to do with reassuring *me* as you. And instead of reassuring you that I missed you and was thinking about you, all I did was make you afraid to tell me what was going on for fear that I would overreact. I'm sorry..." he murmured softly.

Duo sighed and Heero felt the tension drain from him as he relaxed. "You understand then. Good. I didn't mean to hide it from you 'Ro, I just didn't want you dropping everything and running back here. I figured when you got home was soon enough to talk about it."

"It's okay. Next time something upsets you, tell me and I promise I'll listen to what *you* want me to do instead of overreacting, okay?"

"Okay." Duo was silent for a few minutes, then yawned. Sleepily, he said, "Love you, 'Ro. 'M glad you're home..."

"Me too, Duo," Heero whispered back. "Ai shiteru, koi." Duo pressed a kiss to his chest in response. Within only a few minutes, Duo dozed off in his arms. 'He said he was getting *some* sleep before Friday, not that he was getting *enough*,' Heero thought ruefully. 'So much for that comment of his before I left about him keeping me from sleeping when I got home because we'd be too busy making love...' But in a way, he was glad that Duo hadn't immediately wanted that. Coming right after Duo's confession about Wufei's call, it would have seemed - odd. Lying here together like this, with Duo sleeping peacefully in his embrace when his previous sleep had clearly been troubled meant more to Heero. It was a reminder of the trust between them. A reminder that their relationship was far deeper than just sex.

But Heero himself was not so easily able to sleep. Lying there feeling Duo's breath against the bare skin of his chest, feeling his lover's warm body pressed tightly to his, Heero couldn't help wondering exactly why Wufei had called. Whether he was merely looking to renew his friendship with the others or whether he was hoping to win Duo back.

And if Wufei *was* hoping to win Duo back, whether he might succeed. Whether what Duo and himself had built between them through hard work and perseverance, a relationship based on trust and love, would be enough to stand against the fact that Wufei was Duo's first love. Or whether first love would be strong enough to overcome the feelings of betrayal and anger and fear; enough to pull Duo away from Heero and leave him on the outside again. 'I don't think I could go back to being his best friend and nothing more... Not now, not when I know just how wonderful a relationship with him can be...' Heero's arms tightened around Duo, causing him to stir. Heero forced himself to relax his tight grip, not wanting to hurt Duo or even to wake him. 'If Wufei *does* try to take him back, I won't just bow out gracefully,' Heero decided, jaw set grimly. 'Not unless Duo himself asks me to...'

***

Duo remained where he was even though he was wide awake and had been for some time now. Heero was still sleeping and Duo didn't want to wake him, something that sliding out of his arms would almost certainly do. He suspected that Heero probably hadn't been sleeping very well while they were apart either. He hadn't really thought about the fact that Heero might be feeling guilty about leaving him this past week; hadn't considered that all those calls the first day were as much for Heero's benefit as for his own. 'I just thought he was being overprotective and fussing too damn much. Made me feel like he expected me to come apart at the seams in no time flat without him here. Wish he'd explained better at the time, I might not have insisted on him only calling every other day then. Talking to each other every day the way that Q and Tro did would've been a hell of a lot easier on both of us. But he'd pissed me off so damn bad that I just *had* to push things...'

Something he'd regretted almost immediately but had been too damn proud to rectify. 'Cut off my own nose to spite my face as Sister Helen used to say...' Duo thought ruefully. 'But at least I proved I *could* get by if I had to...' And difficult though it had been at times, especially lying in bed alone at night, he had never once doubted that Heero *would* be back when he said he would. That if anything had happened to delay him, Heero would have let him know immediately and done his best to get back as close to on schedule as possible.

As Heero stirred slightly, obviously beginning to waken, Duo smiled and shifted slightly to begin pressing light kisses to his chest. The ritual that he'd started that very first morning he and Heero had made love had become an invitation that they both used; one that was always the prelude to hours of slow and tender loving. Hours of cherishing and worshipping each other's bodies. Of lying entwined and talking quietly, exploring their relationship in other ways than the purely physical.

Oh, there were times when they were both in the mood for something different or when their schedules didn't allow for that sort of thing. Times when their joining was wilder and faster; when they didn't even make it as far as the bed in their urgency. But mornings that started with these tiny kisses meant only one thing; an entire day of being together and expressing their love for each other. The kind of day that he had been planning ever since Heero left on this trip with Quatre.

"Mmm... what a nice way to wake up..." Heero murmured huskily.

Duo dropped another kiss over Heero's heart and raised his eyes to meet Heero's. "Good morning, koibito," he said as he shifted so that he could kiss Heero deeply.

Once he drew back, Heero responded, "Good morning, koi. I take it we won't be joining the others for breakfast this morning..."

"Not unless you want to," Duo said seriously. It was entirely possible that there were things Heero needed to do or needed to discuss with the others. If so, they would simply put this on "pause" and come back to it later when whatever needed to be done had been taken care of.

Heero shook his head, smiling up at Duo. "No, there's nothing that can't wait. I'm all yours; whatever you want to do today is what we'll do..."

Duo leered down at Heero and pretended to wipe drool from the corner of his mouth. "Mmm... all mine, huh? Whatever I want..." He swooped down to kiss Heero again, then abruptly flipped onto his back, dragging Heero with him so that their positions were reversed. "I want you, koi. Want you filling me, completing me. Want you tempting me, teasing me. Want you so deep inside me that we're one... So close that I can't tell where I end and you begin..."

Heero growled in reaction to Duo's husky demands and pounced, silencing him with a deep kiss. Duo let his eyes drift shut as Heero began to kiss and nibble his earlobe, picking up where his tiny bit of teasing in the shuttle had left off nearly a week ago.

At first, Duo had always been careful to keep his eyes open when he and Heero made love. He'd been afraid that he would lose himself in memories and murmur the wrong name. He'd stopped worrying about that months ago. There was no way that he would ever mistake Heero for someone else; no way that he would ever slip up and call Wufei's name instead of Heero's. Heero's hands, his mouth, his touch, his kisses, his *scent*, were so uniquely his and his alone that Duo never got lost in memories while they were together like this. Never had to worry about forgetting who he was with. Not even now, with Wufei's memory fresh in his mind after that surprise phone call.

"Mmm, 'Ro... So good..." Duo gasped, arching into Heero's touch and forgetting everything but the man making love to him so tenderly and with such sure knowledge of his body. "Love you, Heero..."

***

"I'm glad you called, Wufei," Quatre said, smiling gently. "You're still our friend too. We told you that before and we meant it. I'll relay your request to Duo and let you know what he says. And I'll be expecting you to email me some pictures of that beautiful baby girl of yours!"

"Thank you, Quatre," Wufei said gratefully. "I'll be sure to send you some pictures. Mei *is* a beautiful little girl." He added silently, 'She is the only thing that makes all of this almost worthwhile.' He managed to give Quatre a small smile as he continued, "I'll be in touch. Goodbye for now."

"Goodbye Wufei."

The screen went black as Quatre disconnected the call. Wufei sagged in his chair, head dropping into his hands. 'Oh god. Duo is with Heero now. Has been for over a year...'

It hurt. Despite the fact that he had *hoped* that Heero could get Duo to fall in love with him; could make Duo happy again. It was just one more painful reminder that there was no going back. No way to magically fix everything.

'And what did Quatre mean when he said that the first year had been - difficult - for Duo, for *all* of them? And that Duo and Heero had worked very hard to build a relationship together?' Wufei had been afraid to ask for clarification. Something about Quatre's tone of voice and the way he had chosen his words so carefully had warned Wufei that it would be best to leave the subject alone. That there were things he was perhaps better off not knowing.

***

Heero fervently wished that he and Duo had stayed in the privacy of their wing and had a tray sent up for supper just as they had for breakfast and dinner. They had spent the entire day by themselves, talking and making love and just enjoying being together after a week apart. It had been a wonderful day, one that left them both contented and relaxed.

A relaxation that was becoming a more distant memory with every passing moment. 'At least Quatre waited until we were done eating to bring this up...' he thought grimly.

"Duo, Wufei just wants to talk to you," Quatre insisted gently. "Why not see what he has to say? He told me that he just wants to apologize and ask for your forgiveness. That he needs to let go of the guilt."

Duo shoved his chair back from the table and stood abruptly. "No! I have no interest in anything *he* has to say. If the rest of you want to be friends with him again, go ahead, that's up to you and I won't hold it against you. Just don't expect me to have anything to do with him, Quatre. If he feels guilty then good. He deserves it," he said bitterly.

"But Duo, don't you owe..." Quatre protested.

"Forget it Q, I don't *owe* him a single fucking thing." Duo spun and stalked furiously out of the room.

Heero sighed and stood, suddenly feeling very tired. He didn't really want Duo to talk to Wufei yet at the same time he was afraid that the sheer strength of emotion behind Duo's refusal meant that he was still deeply in love with Wufei. 'Is it better for him to face Wufei and get this all out in the open or not? I don't want to lose him... I *can't*...' But holding a grudge wasn't good for Duo. Wasn't good for him and wasn't typical of his usual forgiving nature.

"Heero, he needs to face Wufei," Quatre urged, brow wrinkled in concern. "All that bitterness and anger - it's not good for him. It will eat him up inside if he doesn't let it go."

Shaking his head, Heero said quietly, "I know. But it's his choice, Quatre. Don't push him. You'll only end up alienating him from you too."

"But Heero..."

Trowa spoke up for the first time since the conversation began. "No, Quatre. Stay out of it. Wufei requested that you ask Duo to speak with him and you did. Let it go. Heero's right, it's up to Duo now and unless you want to make him angry with you too then you'd better back off."

Heero gave Trowa a grateful nod of thanks as Quatre subsided unhappily. They all tended to listen when Trowa spoke simply because he never wasted words. He had a way of cutting right to the heart of the matter and none of them ever took his opinion lightly.

"Goodnight," Heero said simply before turning to go find Duo. He headed straight for the manor's gym but found no sign of Duo. 'The pool then...' he thought, detouring to change into swim trunks and pick up towels before heading outdoors.

He stood and watched for a while as Duo stroked his way through furious laps, flipping and pushing off so hard at each end that he glided half the pool's length before beginning to stroke again. With a deep sigh, Heero made a flat dive in, surfacing to match Duo's pace. They swam in unison for quite a while, then Heero gradually began to slow down the pace. Duo slowed with him. 'Good, he's worked off the worst of it...' Heero thought thankfully. After a few more laps, Heero boosted himself up on the edge to sit rather than flipping around and pushing off again.

Duo treaded water for a moment, then gave him a sheepish look. "I think I'm going to need a hand," he muttered. "My arms are kind of tired..."

Heero held out one hand silently and helped Duo drag himself out of the pool. "Better?" Heero asked.

"Yeah. I don't feel like I want to deck Q anymore at least." Duo was silent for a moment, then slid along the edge of the pool to lean against Heero's side. "Heero, I just - I just want to *forget* about everything that happened. What good will it do to dig it all up again? Everything's been going so great; we're happy; why the hell did *he* have to call and want to open old wounds again?"

Heero sighed and wrapped his arm around Duo. "Maybe because those wounds never truly healed for either of you? You weren't in any shape to face him after he broke the news to you and I don't think he could stand to face you either. Neither of you had any real closure." He stopped for a moment, forcing himself to separate the things that his fear of losing Duo made him want to say from the truth and stick to the truth. Painfully honest, he continued, "I'm not trying to excuse what he did, koi, not in the least, but it wasn't easy for him. He did what he felt that he had to do; he didn't think that he had any choice. I didn't agree then any more than I do now but I *do* understand what drove him to act as he did. You said it yourself at the time - Wufei felt that he had to go through with the marriage or he would tarnish his family's honour. He felt that it was his duty to follow the wishes of the clan elders."

"I know," Duo whispered softly. "But Heero, there's *always* choices. They're not always *good* choices, but they always exist. He didn't even consider any other choices, didn't give *me* any choice in the whole thing. I think maybe that's what makes me the most angry. That he didn't come to me, tell me the position he was in, and discuss it with me. He just made a decision and informed me of it after the fact. As if his feelings about it were the only ones that mattered. As if my feelings didn't matter... As if *I* didn't matter... God, 'Ro, that hurt so much, almost as much as him leaving did..."

As Duo's body started to shake with harsh, long-delayed sobs, Heero hurriedly stood and lifted him, carrying him back into the house and up to the privacy of their room. 'Finally...' he thought. Duo never had allowed himself to weep for his loss before; he had simply shut it all out, blocked it off and ignored it. 'Maybe once he lets himself grieve for what he lost he'll be ready to face Wufei again...' Though whether that was itself a good thing or not, Heero was not entirely sure.

***

Gently rocking her daughter in her arms, Jun listened silently while Wufei spoke with his friends on the vid-phone. The blond - Quatre - was apologetic but explained that Duo was not willing to even consider hearing what he had to say. "I'm sorry, Wufei, but I can't push any harder. Just give him some time to think about it, maybe he'll change his mind..."

"Thank you for trying, Quatre," Wufei said in a stilted tone. "I have to go now. I'll be in touch again. Goodbye." He barely let Quatre and the other man finish saying their own farewells before punching the disconnect button. He stood, head down, hands so tightly fisted that the cords in his neck stood out sharply.

"Wufei?" Jun said softly.

He shook his head sharply. "Leave me be."

Hesitantly, Jun turned to leave the room, only to be stopped in the doorway by Wufei's voice.

"Duo never used to hold grudges. He was always so generous and forgiving. So loving. He always said that everyone deserved a second chance. He's changed... *I* changed him by betraying him, abandoning him... Oh god, what have I done? Yuy was always his best friend, but Duo was *my* best friend. I've lost that too..."

'Oh Wufei...' Jun hurried down the hall to put Mei in her crib then returned to pull Wufei into her arms, rocking him gently back and forth as he grieved, weeping brokenly for everything he'd given up in the name of duty and honour. And she wept with him, saying a final farewell to her own broken dreams. Dreams that had been dealt their final blow mere days ago when the man she loved announced his engagement to one of the girls that had been freed from a marriage contract. Freed by the changes that Jun and Wufei had instituted in the months since she had taken over control of the clan.

***

Duo woke with a gasp, dragged from his nightmare by Heero's voice calling him. He blinked up at Heero's worried face. "Heero... 'Sokay, I'm awake..." he panted, struggling to get his breathing under control.

Heero continued to hover anxiously so Duo firmly pushed him over and down to the bed, crawling to drape himself over Heero and press his ear against Heero's chest, letting Heero's reassuring heartbeat banish the lingering remnants of panic. 'Damn, his heart's racing almost as fast as mine... I must've really been caught up in the dream...' Duo thought guiltily.

Heero's arms closed around him and started to gently rub his back. After a moment, Heero asked hesitantly, "Why do you always want to lie like this after you dream about..." His voice trailed off uncertainly.

"Because listening to your heartbeat reminds me that you *didn't* die, that you're alive and you're here with me," Duo answered, puzzled as to why Heero hadn't figured that out for himself.

He was even more puzzled when Heero's heartrate jumped again and Heero gasped, "What?!"

Duo raised his head and propped himself up so that he could see Heero's face. Patiently, he repeated, "Listening to your heartbeat reminds me that you're okay. That the shot didn't kill you."

Heero's mouth opened and closed a few times before he choked out, "You mean - those nightmares are about *me*?!"

"Of course they are, what did you..." Duo stopped in mid-sentence as he realized what Heero must have thought. "Oh shit, Heero, you mean you thought I was dreaming about *Wufei* all those times? God love, I thought you *knew*. Yeah, I have nightmares once in a while about W-Wufei leaving, but the really bad ones are about that time you got shot protecting me! It's *you* that I'm begging not to leave me, 'Ro, begging you not to die and leave me alone. Not him!"

Seeing the look of shock and disbelief on Heero's face change to one of relieved wonder, Duo realized just how much this must have been eating away at Heero. How much it must have hurt, thinking that in spite of how much they loved each other, Duo still had nightmares - *bad* ones - about Wufei leaving him...

"God 'Ro, I am so, *so* sorry. I shouldn't have assumed you knew..." He leaned over to kiss Heero in tender apology. "Listen to me, koibito. I love *you*. I am *in love* with *you*. Yes, part of me does still love W-Wufei. But I'm not *in* love with him anymore. He destroyed that when he betrayed our love and shattered my trust in him." Watching Heero's face closely, Duo could see the small changes being created by his words. The tiny wrinkles of anxiety smoothing. The faint shadows lifting from Heero's eyes. Cursing himself for his thoughtlessness in not having made at least that much clear before, Duo forced himself to continue. To put into words things that he had only come to terms with himself in the past week since the night he'd finally let himself grieve for what he had lost. For what Wufei had destroyed in the name of honour and duty.

"Wufei was my first love. Badly though it ended, I can't belittle what we had by pretending that it wasn't good while it lasted. But what you and I have together, Heero, is just as special. It isn't the *same*, no more than two snowflakes are the same. But that doesn't mean it's any less beautiful, any less wonderful." Duo swallowed, gathering his nerve. Before that night that he'd wept in Heero's arms, that night that he'd finally grieved, he *couldn't* have said all of this. Now, it was still difficult and it hurt, but Heero needed to hear it. Needed to know and understand that he wasn't "second best".

"What Wufei and I had was wonderful. It was giddy and crazy and I was wildly in love." Duo winced at the flicker of pain that caused in Heero's eyes. Quickly, he continued, "What you and I have is deep and steady. Our love is the steadfast anchor in my life. Something that I can always rely on. We have our wild-and-crazy moments too - as poor Iria discovered when she dropped by without calling ahead and caught us fulfilling a fantasy on the grand staircase while Q and Tro were away and the household staff had the day off..." Duo smiled as that memory drew an embarrassed flush and a small hint of a snicker from Heero. He stroked his fingers gently down Heero's cheek. "But there's more to our relationship than just that. Wufei and I didn't have the opportunity to develop that deeper relationship even though we were together longer. I *thought* we had something deeper and I think we'd at least started in that direction but there wasn't enough there to stand against his clan elders.

"You and I developed that deeper relationship first. We *had* to because I was such a fucked-up mess. The trust and the patience and the understanding had to come first or we'd have never gotten any further. But the love had to be there before any of that could happen. And it was. It *is*.

"Heero, you are my second *chance* at love, not second best. You don't need to ever feel threatened by Wufei, koi. Even if he were to come back, free of obligations, and ask for another chance, I WOULD *NOT* leave you for him. I'll swear it on my cross and my braid and anything else you want me to." He leaned forward to hover with his lips directly over Heero's, gazes intently locked. "I." He kissed Heero deeply and fiercely, then drew back and said, "Love," before diving in for another passionate kiss. "*You!*" he uttered fervently before bringing their lips together again.

As the tables turned and Heero took control of the kiss, Duo spared a brief thought for Wufei's request to speak to him. 'I think... I think I need to agree. More for Heero's sake than my own. Heero needs to know that I've moved on... That Wufei isn't going to take me away from him...'

***

Wufei's eyes went wide with surprise and trepidation. 'An email message from *Duo*?' Hesitantly, he opened it and read the brief, curt message, wincing at the abruptness of it. He realized again that he had not only forfeited Duo's love but his friendship as well, something that the tone of the message made quite clear. His hand hovered for a moment, ready to reply, but he realized that there was no point in replying until he had discussed this with Jun. 'I can't simply go racing off to L4 without clearing it with her first. I have to make sure that I won't be needed here for the couple of days that I'll be gone.'

Realistically speaking, he needed to make sure that he would not be needed for several days afterwards as well. Because he doubted that this was going to be a very pleasant experience.

***

Heero read Wufei's reply to Duo's message, leaning over the back of Duo's chair and resting his chin on Duo's shoulder as he did so. He was glad that Wufei had been able to arrange to come next weekend; he really wanted this over and done with and presumably Duo felt the same way. 'I know he's doing this for me more than for him... I probably should be protesting that he doesn't need to do it for me but I can't.'

Duo's assurances several nights ago had helped a great deal but Heero still couldn't stop worrying a bit over Duo's feelings towards Wufei. He didn't doubt that Duo meant what he said - but Duo hadn't been face-to-face with Wufei in person since the day that Wufei told him that their relationship was over. Heero couldn't help wondering whether Duo would feel the same way after meeting Wufei and hearing what he had to say. Couldn't help wondering exactly what Wufei *would* say for that matter. 'What if...'

"Stop it," Duo said firmly, one hand raising to press Heero's cheek tightly to his. "Heero, *I'm* supposed to be the one with abandonment issues here, not you. I love you and I'm not going anywhere without you."

Turning his face to nuzzle Duo's palm, Heero said softly, "How..."

"Because now that I know what you've been thinking, I just have to imagine what I'd think if I were in your place," Duo explained gently, twisting in his chair to meet Heero's eyes. "I don't lie, remember? I love you and I will *not* leave you. Ai shiteru, 'Ro. Zutto. Eien ni."

Heero pivoted Duo's chair to face him and sat straddling Duo's lap. He leaned his forehead against Duo's and said fervently, "Ai shiteru yo, Duo. Zutto. Eien ni." He kissed the tip of Duo's nose then apologized, "I'm sorry koi, I don't mean to doubt you. I know you love me. I just..."

Duo shook his head slightly and said, "It's okay. I've been through the same thing, remember? Trusting and believing yet at the same time..." He shrugged slightly, a wry half-grin on his face. "I do understand 'Ro. It's not exactly something you've got a hell of a lot of control over. And me assuming too much and ending up letting you believe all this time that I've been having shaking, screaming, nightmares over Wufei when they were really over *you* can't exactly have helped matters any."

Heero simply closed his eyes and dropped his head against Duo's shoulder, burying his face in the soft, thick braid that trailed over it. He felt guilty over the fact that he was glad Duo's nightmares were about him. He would rather that Duo not have nightmares at all but since he *did* have them, Heero had to admit that he had been incredibly relieved to find out that they were about *him*, not Wufei.

And he felt awful for doubting Duo, for fearing that Duo would leave him for Wufei, but he couldn't help it. He remembered too well how happy Duo and Wufei had been together. And while Duo was, he hoped, at least *almost* that happy with him, it was hard to tell. Duo had changed so much in the aftermath of losing Wufei that it was difficult to compare his previous self with the way he was now. He was much less open, more guarded and wary, particularly in the presence of anyone other than Quatre, Trowa, and Heero. 'But he *does* laugh and smile for me... And he *says* that he's happy...' But Heero was still afraid.

***

Duo took one look at the hold Heero had on his braid and resigned himself to staying put until Heero woke up. He had intended to go for a swim this morning to try and work off some of his own attack of nerves before Wufei's arrival but even if he *could* get his braid out of Heero's grasp he didn't think leaving him to wake up alone would be a good idea. Not when he was holding on this tightly even in his sleep. 'Hopefully after today he'll be able to believe that he has nothing to fear. That I won't leave him for Wufei.'

Though Duo wasn't sure where the hell Heero had come up with the notion that Wufei would even ask him such a thing. *He* certainly couldn't find anything in either the initial request that Quatre had relayed or Wufei's response to his email that implied something like that. 'But I know damn well that subconscious fears and reality don't necessarily have to have anything in common. And after how patient and understanding Heero was - hell, still is - over *my* issues I'm not about to quibble over him having a few fears of his own.'

But he didn't like seeing Heero like this. Seeing him worried and hurting. It made his own heart ache. And so the hope that him facing Wufei would relieve Heero's fears was the force driving him into a meeting that he really did not want to experience. A meeting that was going to be damn painful at best. And downright ugly at worst. Particularly if he let his temper get away from him.

Nearly three years of bottled up anger and bitterness seethed inside him. And although the night that he'd finally let himself grieve for everything that he'd lost, the night that he'd started actually *talking* to Heero about what happened and how he felt about it, had finally started the healing process and had let off a bit of the pressure, there hadn't been enough time since then to truly heal. Not even enough time to release very much of the buildup of negative emotions. Which was not a good way to be going into this.

Because despite how angry and bitter he was, Duo *did* still care about Wufei, even though he wasn't in love with him anymore, and he did not really want to hurt him. And if Wufei had any feelings left for him at all, he knew that he *could* hurt Wufei and hurt him badly. Which would not be right and would not make Duo feel any better in the long run, though it would probably feel damn satisfying while he was actually doing it. Both because he would be making Wufei hurt the way that he had until he built his protective barriers and because the fact that he *could* hurt Wufei would prove that Wufei did actually care for him. Despite the evidence to the contrary.

Duo stopped himself as his thoughts started to slide back into the old, familiar bitterness. 'That isn't fair. I know that he *did* love me. He just - loved his family's honour more. I just wish that his clan had found him sooner. Before he courted me and we fell in love. Heero would have still realized that he loved me and I'd have ended up with him but without all the pain.'

Did he really wish that? Would he really want to give up the good times that he and Wufei had together in order to avoid the pain that followed? Suddenly, Duo wasn't so sure.

And as for Heero and himself - would they have such a strong relationship if they hadn't had to work so hard at it? Would he cherish it as much if he didn't know how quickly and easily it could be lost? Or would the two of them have taken their love for granted the way that he and Wufei had and possibly destroyed it through a thoughtless act or by allowing something to come between them? 'I don't know... I don't *think* we would have - but I can't be sure. I know that what happened changed me and not all of the changes were bad ones. I'm less impulsive than I used to be for one thing. More likely to think before I speak. To consider possible outcomes before I act.' And those changes made him less impatient with Heero's own thoroughness. Made him less likely to become frustrated or upset with Heero's attention to detail. Made him more appreciative of Heero's steady, quiet presence and unwavering support.

'Father always said that things happened for a reason. Of course, he never actually said that it had to be a *good* reason... But there's really no point in wondering "what if". Things happened the way that they did and nothing can change that. I need to let go of the anger and bitterness. To let go of the past and just appreciate what I have now.'

Though appreciating what he had now certainly wasn't a problem, Duo thought as he shifted to curl more comfortably against Heero's side. He was well aware of just how fortunate he was.

***

Wufei accepted his daughter's sleeping form from Jun willingly. He hoped that having all three of them show up instead of just him wouldn't inconvenience Quatre too badly; he felt a bit guilty that he had barely had time to send Quatre an email message before leaving for the shuttleport. But when Jun offered at the last minute to accompany him, he had been unable to bring himself to refuse her support. And even less able to refuse the comfort of having baby Meilan with him.

'I can't really say that the other ex-pilots are my only friends anymore. Jun is my friend too...' And like his friendship with the other former Gundam pilots, his friendship with Jun was built on a foundation of similar trials and shared experiences. And where he had learned to respect the other pilots for their dedication to the welfare of the colonies, he had learned to respect Jun for her dedication to the welfare of the clan.

While the elders had claimed to have the clan's best interests at heart, had used that as an excuse to manipulate and control, Jun genuinely *did* have its well-being at heart. The difference in her definition of the clan's well-being from that of the elders was the key to all the changes that had been instituted so far. The clan elders thought only of the clan as a whole, as an entity in and of itself. A collection of lineages and traditions that had to be preserved regardless of the welfare of the individuals within that entity. Jun, on the other hand, believed that the clan would thrive as long as the individuals within it were happy and content. That her responsibility as clan head was to protect the happiness of the members of the clan - not "the clan". That the personal well-being of individuals outweighed that of the clan as a whole yet would in fact *ensure* the clan's well-being. That lineages and traditions were interesting subjects of study but should not be the motivating force behind decisions.

The elders didn't like Jun very much. Or Wufei for that matter. 'They got what they wanted when they forced us to wed - or rather, they thought they did. But then they found out that neither Jun nor I was as docile and obedient as they believed. That Jun took her responsibility as clan head very seriously indeed and would not allow herself to be treated as a mere figurehead.' In a way, Wufei supposed that Jun considered the entire next generation, their daughter's generation, hers to mother and protect. 'We are both fulfilling our duty to the clan - but not in the manner that the elders expected us to do so.'

Wufei motioned for Jun to lead the way out of the shuttle, shaking his head in response to her offer to take Mei back and put her in her travel seat now that Jun had tidied her clothes and gathered her things. He needed his daughter in his arms right now, reminding him that not *everything* that had happened as a result of his choice was bad. He wished that he had handled things better, that he had broken the news to Duo more gently, that he hadn't broken off all contact with the others for so long - but he could not honestly say that he wished he had never married Jun. Not while he was holding their precious child. And as guilty as that made him feel, it was also the only thing that gave him the strength to face the others again. To face Duo again. To ask for forgiveness and hopefully be relieved of the guilt that tinged his love for his daughter.

He hoped that this trip ended with his friendship with Quatre and Trowa renewed. Hoped that Heero would at least be willing to be civil to him by now. And as for Duo... Well, Wufei hoped that Duo would at least give him the forgiveness he was seeking. Much as he would like to have more than that, to have Duo's friendship back, he wasn't sure that such a thing was possible. Wasn't sure that it would *ever* be possible. And he regretted that almost as much as he regretted the fact that Duo would never be more than a friend to him again.

***

Jun had second-guessed her impulsive offer to accompany Wufei numerous times during the shuttle trip. She had been a bit concerned that her presence would be unwelcome and possibly even resented. But the attractive blond and his handsome brunet partner had been quite welcoming when she and Wufei exited the shuttle with Meilan in Wufei's arms. Both men had insisted that she call them by their first names, gently but firmly pointing out that as the wife of their friend, she was automatically a friend as well. But Jun knew that these two were not the most deeply affected by her marriage to Wufei. Knew that the others, particularly her husband's former lover, might not be as accepting.

'But I am not sorry that I came. Having Meilan with him has helped Wufei I think. And he may need both her and me after he meets with Duo.' Jun knew that Wufei's meeting with Duo would be difficult at best. Even if Duo chose to forgive him, Wufei would be hurting both during it and afterwards. And the fact that they were staying at the Winner residence for the entire weekend could be a problem, particularly if things did not go well at the meeting.

A slender hand touched Jun's clasped ones lightly, drawing her attention to the blond seated across from her in the limousine. "Jun, I am glad that you came with Wufei. From what he has told me, you are doing some wonderful things with your clan. I am looking forward to hearing about some of those things during your stay," Quatre said, smiling gently.

Jun offered a small smile in return. "I would be honoured to discuss them with you," she answered, inclining her head respectfully. She hesitated a moment, stealing a quick sideways glance at the quiet conversation taking place between Wufei and Trowa, then down to her daughter, still sleeping in her travel seat between herself and Wufei, before saying carefully, "I was wondering about the - sleeping arrangements - for Mei..." Asking directly what the sleeping arrangements for herself and Wufei were would be in poor taste but she was hoping that the young man across from her would understand what she was really asking. She and Wufei had not shared a bed since her pregnancy was confirmed and she did not think that this weekend would be a good time to start doing so. Their future as a couple was something that they had never actually addressed; Jun thought that was because both of them were still coming to terms with the fact that those they loved were forever beyond their reach now. She was also hoping that Wufei's room would not be too close to that of his former lover and his mate. That would only make a difficult situation even more painful.

The understanding look she received from Quatre relieved Jun's concerns before he even spoke. "I have had connecting rooms across the hall from my own prepared for you. There is even a crib still in one of them from the last time that one of my sisters was here with her family." Blue eyes flicked towards Wufei then back to meet hers before he continued, "Those rooms are more suitable than any in Heero and Duo's wing."

Jun dipped her chin very slightly in acknowledgement. Her liking and respect for the young man seated across from her increased even more. 'He understood what I was concerned about and answered all of my unspoken questions very neatly. And connecting rooms with the excuse of a crib in one allows us to make our own sleeping arrangements however we wish without any fuss. I see that Quatre Winner is as perceptive and tactful in private life as he is reputed to be in business.'

***

Heero watched for the limousine's arrival from an upstairs window, Duo standing beside him. When Duo stepped in front of him, back to his chest, and pulled Heero's arms around him, Heero wasn't sure which of them needed the reassurance more. Duo had freely admitted that he was nervous about this. Particularly since Wufei's wife and daughter were coming along too. 'And while their presence makes it unlikely that Wufei intends to ask Duo to take him back, I am still worried,' Heero admitted silently. 'Worried that this will turn into a confrontation that pushes Duo back into his isolation again. Worried that seeing Wufei again will remind him how happy he was before and that he'll realize that what we have isn't enough...' Worried that Duo would discover that he was still in love with Wufei and decide that he'd rather be alone than settle for second best...

'I know that Duo said I *wasn't* second best but I still can't help thinking that he'll feel differently once he's face-to-face with Wufei again. They just were so *happy* together...' Heero's arms tightened unconsciously around Duo as he worried.

"Ro, *stop* it," Duo scolded, twisting around to face Heero. He reached up and ran his fingers across Heero's forehead, smoothing worry lines that Heero hadn't even realized were there. "I *know* you're fretting about this, love. What I don't understand is why you have so much trouble believing that I'm happy with you. Why you think that I was so much happier with Wufei..."

Heero swallowed uncomfortably, then said softly, "You two were *always* happy once you got together. You always seemed to get along so well... You and I argue and get frustrated with each other and..."

Duo raised his hand to Heero's mouth, stopping the flow of words. "Heero, you're making an unfair comparison. You only saw Wufei and I together in public. You may not have seen us fight but that's only because we agreed early on in our relationship that we would keep our disagreements *private*. Think about it, love. When have *we* ever fought in public?"

Heero stared at Duo for several long minutes, certain that they *must* have done so, but no matter how much he searched his memory, he couldn't find an instance where they had had an actual argument in front of anyone else. Yet there *were* instances where Duo had been upset with him - but Duo had always waited until they were alone to express his displeasure.

"You can't think of a single time, can you?" Duo said with a wry grin.

Heero shook his head slowly, still trying to figure out why he had never noticed that before.

"You're just as much of a private person as Wufei. I assumed that you would also prefer to keep our private business between ourselves, so I've always waited till we're alone to - discuss - matters," Duo explained. "You've never tried to start an argument with me in public either, even though we've never actually discussed this before, so I think that my assumption wasn't too far off. And I prefer things that way myself. We're partners, Heero, in every way possible, and partners should present a united front. That doesn't mean we always have to agree - it just means that we don't make an issue out of our disagreements in front of other people. That we don't do anything to run each other down or belittle each other.

"So you see, the fact that you didn't *see* Wufei and I argue doesn't mean that we never did. We had our fair share of disagreements running the whole range from serious to just plain silly. Just like you and I do. So, does that take care of *that* particular concern?"

Nodding, Heero said simply, "Yes." He hesitated, then decided to go ahead and list a few of his other concerns. "But - you're quieter and more subdued now too. You don't laugh or smile as much..."

Duo's eyes closed for a moment before opening to meet Heero's levelly. "You're right. But 'Ro, those changes would be there now no matter what. No matter who I was with. Everything that happened *did* change me. Some of it was just plain growing up; the rest was caused by what Wufei did. And not all of those changes were bad ones." Heero leaned his face into the hand that Duo raised to stroke his cheek as Duo continued, "Me being more subdued and cautious means that I'm less likely to impulsively say or do something that would hurt someone. Especially you. And I'm not as impatient with your caution and attention to detail. Those are *good* changes.

"As for the laughing and smiling..." Duo sighed and shrugged slightly. "I'm sorry if I don't show my happiness as clearly as I used to, love. I guess maybe that's just part of the whole more subdued thing. Or maybe just part of growing up. If you're not sure whether I'm happy or not, just ask - I promise that I won't hedge my answer. But Heero, if you think about the times that I *do* laugh and smile - what do they have in common?" Duo didn't wait for a response before answering his own question, "*You*, koi. I'm happiest when I'm with *you*."

"You're sure?" Heero just had to ask. Everything Duo said made sense but he'd spent so long thinking that Duo's life with Wufei had been perfect or damn close to it that he was having trouble believing that Duo was genuinely just as happy with him.

"Yes, Heero. Very sure. And very happy to be with *you*," Duo assured him firmly.

Heero leaned forward to capture Duo's lips in a grateful kiss. He was still a bit worried but Duo had eased the worst of his fears. Now, Heero just wished that the limousine would hurry up and arrive so that the initial meeting between Duo and Wufei would be over and done with and his other fears out of the way. 'God I hope Duo is truly ready for this, that it doesn't upset him too badly or drive him back into his isolation...'

***

As the limousine finally pulled into the driveway, Duo stirred in Heero's embrace and gave Heero's arm a gentle squeeze. "Ready koi?"

"If you are," Heero answered.

"As ready as I'm going to be," Duo answered honestly. He didn't think that any amount of time or preparation could make this *easy*. But he had his temper firmly under control for the moment and he suspected that the presence of Wufei's wife and daughter would actually help him to keep it that way. None of this could exactly be fun for Jun either. And the baby was truly blameless in the entire thing.

About to head downstairs to meet the others, Duo stopped for a moment as he realized something. He caught hold of Heero's arm. "Wait a minute, 'Ro. Umm, if Wufei wants to talk to me in private, I think I can handle that. I think maybe I *need* to face him on my own. But - stay close enough to hear if I call, okay?" He *hoped* that he wouldn't need Heero's physical presence for support, hoped that merely knowing Heero was nearby would be enough, but he was realistic enough to acknowledge that a panic attack was not exactly an impossibility and if Wufei tried to help it would only make things worse. So he needed Heero close enough to be there instantly if necessary.

Heero pulled him into a firm hug and assured him that of course he would stay nearby. Pressing a quick kiss of thanks to Heero's cheek, Duo thought, 'And having him that close may help Heero too. I know he's still worried, that little crease between his eyebrows tells me that. Not that anyone *else* would ever notice it, mind you...'

He hoped that most of the remaining concern was simply Heero worrying about *him* rather than Heero worrying about their relationship. Hoped that his earlier explanations had soothed Heero's concerns about his happiness. 'I need to try and show my happiness more clearly. Or at least *tell* Heero that I'm happy more often; make sure he knows that I am. That he understands that he *makes* me happy...' Because Heero *did* make him happy. Maybe it was a quiet, contented happiness rather than the almost giddy excitement that he had shown at times when he was with Wufei, but then he was a different person now. And that quiet content was far from dull or boring. It was interspersed with bursts of excitement and moments of sheer bliss.

And behind it all ran the deep, steady love between Heero and him. A love that Heero had proven over and over again in thousands of little ways as well as in big ones. Big ways like when he'd taken the bullet meant for Duo. And when he'd quit the Preventers rather than allow duty to tear him away for months on end. Little ways like uncomplainingly cleaning the hair out of the shower drain when Duo was in a rush and forgot. Like bringing him a sandwich and a drink when he got caught up in something at work and forgot to stop for lunch. Like putting up with his crankiness and holding the sick-pail for him when he had a bad bout of the stomach flu. And all the other little things that Heero did for him. Things that Duo genuinely appreciated and that he tried - though evidently not hard enough - to make sure Heero knew he did. 'I will never, ever doubt that Heero loves me and will do anything in his power to make me happy... But I need to work harder at making sure that he knows I feel the same way about him...''

As they reached the foot of the stairs, Duo threaded his fingers through Heero's and squeezed his hand firmly. Heero paused for a moment, giving him a questioning look. Duo smiled at him and silently mouthed, "Love you." The smile and equally silent, "Love you too" in return prompted him to take a sidestep and lean against Heero's shoulder for an instant, straightening again just as the door opened and the others entered. Duo tightened his fingers around Heero's and braced himself against the emotional storm that was sure to come.

***

Wufei hung back slightly and let Quatre introduce Jun and Meilan to Duo and Heero. He had deliberately stayed behind with Trowa to help carry in the luggage. Travelling with an infant meant that there was quite a bit of it to deal with, something Wufei was grateful for right now. He needed a few minutes to compose himself before having to speak with the others. Seeing Heero and Duo standing so close together; seeing the way that Duo drifted back towards Heero and automatically reached for his hand once the introductions were over with... It hurt. Not quite as much as he had feared, but it still hurt. And the curt nod and cool "Chang" from Heero that was echoed by Duo hurt just as much. 'Duo's friendship is not the only one that I may have permanently lost,' he realized painfully. Somehow, his ready acceptance by Quatre and Trowa had led him to hope that Heero would be willing to resume their friendship too. That if anything, Heero might even be a bit friendlier now that Wufei was no longer with Duo. 'I had not stopped to consider that unless Duo is willing to forgive me and allow me to be friends again, Heero will not. That by hurting Duo, I forfeited Heero's friendship despite the fact that in the end, Heero has benefited from my actions.'

Jun accepted Quatre's offer to show her to the kitchen as Mei had woken during their ride to the estate and was now becoming quite insistent that it was time to be fed. For a moment, Wufei was tempted to go with her and postpone his conversation with Duo. 'Putting it off will not make this any easier,' he decided reluctantly. "Duo, may I speak to you alone?" he asked carefully. This was going to be difficult no matter what, but Wufei really did not want an audience for it.

Duo's face tightened and he nodded abruptly. "In there," he said, gesturing to a room just a few feet down the hall from the entryway they were standing in.

Moving towards the room and entering ahead of Duo, Wufei was a bit disappointed that Duo left the door open behind him. He had hoped for more privacy but he did not dare press for any further concessions.

"Alright. I'm here; we're alone. I've agreed to listen to what you have to say. So say it and let's get this over with," Duo said harshly.

Wufei winced at the tone. It did not bode well for his hopes of forgiveness. His carefully-rehearsed speech deserted him under Duo's cold gaze. 'God Duo, you've changed so much...' If anything, he had expected furious accusations and anger. That he could have dealt with. This cold severity was completely unanticipated and he did not know how to deal with it. "I..." Wufei fumbled for words, finally blurting out, "Duo, I am very sorry for all the pain that I have caused you. I - handled things badly. I should have been more gentle in breaking the news to you and..." His words stumbled to a halt as Duo shook his head.

"You still don't get it, do you Chang? You still don't see that there were other choices. That you should have come to me, explained the situation, and the two of us should have sat down together and discussed your options. That we should have made a decision *together*."

"Duo, there *were* no 'options', I had to..."

"There are *always* options. They are not necessarily *good* options but they always exist. Maybe the decision would have been the same in the end. Maybe it wouldn't. But it should not have been your decision alone. Not when it affected me just as much as you," Duo said flatly.

"But it *didn't* - my family's honour..."

Duo cut him off with a sharp chop of his hand. "The marriage contract specified a marriage and an heir. What about a marriage in name only, a child through artificial means, and a quickie divorce?"

Wufei froze, blood turning to ice in his veins. He had never even considered dodging the terms like that... For all the arguing he had done with the elders, he had never once brought up something like that. Something that would have technically fulfilled the terms of the contract but left him free in a short period of time. That just wasn't the way his mind worked... He wasn't entirely certain that the elders would have been satisfied that it fulfilled the contract - wasn't entirely certain that *he* would have been - but... 'But it was a possibility. And it's just the sort of thing that Duo *would* think of...' "I never..."

"You never thought of it," Duo said grimly. "Heero did. It's one of the things that he and Q and Tro tried to suggest to you. One of the alternatives that you stubbornly refused to listen to because there *was* no choice as far as you were concerned. I *might* have thought of it myself if I hadn't been so totally out of it. But considering that Q and Heero spent however-the-hell-long it was between your announcement and your wedding spoon-feeding me and taking care of me since I was practically catatonic, I guess it's not too surprising that I wasn't being too creative. And hell, it probably wouldn't have mattered anyway at that point. You'd already given your own damn word to the elders that you'd go through with a full-blown traditional marriage. Without bothering to discuss it with the person who was *supposed* to be your partner in life."

The bitterness in Duo's voice twisted Wufei's gut painfully. He felt literally sick at the thought that there might just *maybe* have been a way out. That he could possibly have passed up the chance to satisfy the elders, preserve his family's honour, and still keep his own happiness because he'd been so sure of his own decision. Because he hadn't delayed the elders while he talked things over with Duo. And what Duo had said about the shape that he'd been in - that careless mention of being practically catatonic, of being spoon-fed - that left him nauseous as well... "I..."

Duo shook his head and waved his hand dismissively. "I don't know if it would have even mattered if you *had* listened to the guys. It might have already been too late."

Through stiff lips, Wufei forced out, "What do you mean? Why would it have been too late?"

Duo's eyes met his directly for the first time during their confrontation and Wufei realized that as well as sparkling with anger, unshed tears lingered there as well. "Because when you chose duty over love, over *us*, you destroyed my trust in our love. My trust in *you*." He lifted his chin proudly and said, "I'm not in love with you anymore W-Wufei. I still care about you and wouldn't want anything bad to happen to you. But when you destroyed my trust... When I stopped trusting you..." He spread his hands and shook his head. "Somewhere along the line, I stopped being in love with you too."

***

Duo hadn't intended to mention Heero's alternative solution. He hadn't ever thought of it himself. At the time he had been too deeply in shock from the betrayal to do much at all other than start building barriers against ever being so deeply hurt again. And afterwards - well, afterwards he had deliberately not thought about much of anything to do with Wufei and his choice. Heero hadn't mentioned it either until quite recently. It was only when the two of them were talking about the whole thing after he had finally broken down and wept in Heero's arms, letting go of the bottled-up grief, that Heero *had* mentioned it. Had mentioned it only because Duo had asked him what options the three of them had come up with; because Duo had wondered what choices they had tried to present to Wufei only to run into his stubborn refusal to listen. He had always wondered a bit, ever since Quatre's mention of the things that Heero had come up with in his attempts to find a way for Duo to keep Wufei. He strongly suspected that there were other things, things that were perhaps a bit less than ethical, simply based on the way Quatre had spoken at the time, but he hadn't pressed Heero any further. It was all ancient history now anyway and best forgotten.

Which was why Duo hadn't intended to rub Wufei's nose in the fact that he'd fucked up even worse than he'd realized. But Wufei's "apology" had ticked him off. Had Wufei apologized for making such an important decision without allowing him a say in it, this would have probably stayed quite civil. But instead, all he was hearing was an apology for hurting him and for not breaking things to him more gently. 'As if breaking the news "more gently" would have made any difference! "It's over, I'm marrying someone else" would have hurt just as much no matter *how* it was worded!'

And so now he was standing here having said a whole bunch of things that he hadn't intended to say and deliberately hurting Wufei in retaliation for apologizing for all the wrong things. 'Dammit, I didn't intend to *do* that...' he thought miserably as Wufei's face paled and he flinched from Duo's flat statement.

"I - deserve that..." Wufei said in a tight voice. "I did not expect that you would still love me after what I did. But Duo, I want you to know that I do still love you. Always."

Duo flinched, the words throwing him back in time, reminding him of the last time that Wufei had said that to him. Of the last time that they had made love. The next morning, he and Heero had left on their week-long mission and when he returned, it had been to news of Wufei's engagement. The memories, the betrayal, the shock, and the pain came back in a rush. Duo started to shake and it became hard to catch his breath.

"Duo? What's wrong?" Wufei stepped towards him and reached out as if to touch him.

That was the last straw. The panic attack became inevitable. Duo managed to drag in enough breath to gasp out, "RO!" desperately. And in an instant, Heero was there, shoving Wufei away from him and sweeping him up to carry him to the privacy of their room.

***

Stunned and confused, Wufei followed Heero into the hallway. Trowa stopped him with an outstretched arm. "What happened? What did you say to him?" Trowa demanded.

"I just... I told him that I still love him. That I always will," Wufei stammered. He had wanted Duo to know that despite his actions, his feelings hadn't changed. That they never would; that Duo would always be his love. That he hadn't thrown their love away lightly, no matter how it must have seemed.

Trowa swore under his breath. "No wonder he had another damn panic attack after going so long without one."

"Panic attack?" Wufei whispered in shock. "What do you mean *another* panic attack?" he demanded, catching hold of Trowa's arm.

Trowa began to speak, then stopped and shook his head. "I've said too much already. That is not my story to tell. If you really want to know, ask Heero. Though I wouldn't advise doing so right now; he won't be in a very tolerant mood with you since you upset Duo."

Wufei nodded his acknowledgement numbly. 'So many mistakes... So much pain and heartache...' "Trowa, could you please show me to my room? I think - I need to be alone for a while." Trowa nodded sharply and headed towards the stairs. Wufei followed silently. He needed to do some serious thinking.

***

Heero carried Duo's shaking form up the stairs and to the privacy of their room as quickly as he could, cursing himself for not realizing what Wufei's words would do and rushing to Duo's side before things got this far. He bit his tongue, fighting down the words of love and comfort that he wanted to utter, afraid that he would only make things worse. He wasn't even certain that picking Duo up had been the right thing to do but he had known that he needed to put some distance between Duo and Wufei or things would only get worse. 'And Duo *is* clinging to me - so maybe the contact is okay...' God, he hoped so. If this set Duo back to the way he was when they first started dating, Heero swore he was going to deck Wufei for his thoughtless words. Even though the other man had no way of knowing the effect those words would have on Duo.

When he reached their room, Heero was prepared to shift Duo around so that he could free one hand to open it. But before he could do so, Duo reached out with one shaking hand and managed to turn the knob. 'He's starting to come out of it already? Maybe... maybe he'll be alright, maybe he isn't as badly affected as I thought...'

Entering the room, Heero shoved the door shut behind them with one foot before crossing to the bed. He tried to set Duo down but Duo's hold on him tightened in protest. "You want me to hold you?" he asked.

Duo's murmured, "Yes," was a bit breathless but audible. And Heero realized that the shaking was easing off already. Settling himself against the headboard with Duo cradled against him, Heero began to rub gentle circles on Duo's back, trying to help him relax his muscles and get his breathing under control. After a minute, Duo's tight hold loosened and he shifted to lean his head against Heero's shoulder instead of being curled up tightly. "Ro? Tell me?" he asked.

'*Now*? He wants me to tell him that I love him when he's just coming out of a panic attack?!' Heero thought in disbelief. 'That could trigger off *another* one, after all, words of love set off the *first* one!'

"Ro? Please?"

Despite his concern, Heero couldn't refuse that pleading voice. "Ai shiteru, Duo. Eien ni."

"In English? Please, Heero?" Duo raised one hand to stroke Heero's cheek and Heero realized in amazement that the trembling had almost completely stopped. "I think I'm okay, koi, but - just try it please?"

Heero swallowed, then said carefully, "I love you, Duo." He hesitated, then, hoping he understood correctly what Duo wanted, added, "Always."

Duo smiled a bit shakily and responded, "Love you too, 'Ro." His smile steadied and grew broader. "I'm okay, Heero. *We're* okay. Really and truly okay. You saying it didn't bother me at all. So it was just the fact that it was W-Wufei and it was so close to one of my memories that set me off."

Breathing a sigh of relief, Heero pressed a kiss to Duo's forehead. "I was afraid..."

"I know," Duo said, touching his fingertips to Heero's lips. "But 'Ro, the instant you picked me up, the panic started to fade. You're so damn deep under my skin, so far inside my defences, that even my subconscious knows I'm safe in your arms, love."

Heero's arms tightened around Duo and he bent to capture his lips in a tender kiss. The last of his worries about Duo's feelings for Wufei and about any possible negative effects from Wufei's visit slipped away with Duo's words.

***

"She is a beautiful little girl."

Jun turned swiftly, startled. She hadn't heard anyone even enter the dining room; hearing a voice that close to her was a real shock. The speaker reached out a hand to steady her as she almost overbalanced in her haste.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to startle you," Duo apologized quietly.

Jun inclined her head in acknowledgement, then turned back to face Mei's travel seat and offer her bottle to her. "She is a very healthy baby," Jun said, "and yes, she is beautiful. But then, all children are beautiful in the eyes of their parents."

"I wouldn't know," Duo responded, "but they should be."

"I am sorry," Jun apologized, wincing at her faux pas. "Wufei," she winced again, realizing that she might be making things worse, "Wufei had told me that you were an orphan. I did not mean to..."

A hand touched her arm lightly for an instant before withdrawing. "It's okay. This is - awkward - for all of us. Quatre told me that you were in here feeding the baby before it was time for the rest of us to eat; I just wanted to speak to you for a few minutes without everyone else around."

Awkward was an understatement, Jun thought uncomfortably. Nothing about this trip had gone smoothly. Wufei was feeling even more miserable and guilty than before and judging by what he'd admitted to her, he had good reason to be. And she had no idea what to say to the young man standing beside her; a young man who had every reason to hate her. "What would you like to talk about?" she asked finally.

Out of the corner of her eye, Jun saw him pull his braid over his shoulder and begin fidgeting with it in what was clearly a nervous habit. He made as if to speak several times before finally saying, "I don't blame you for any of this. W... Wu..." He stopped in frustration, "Dammit - oh, sh- sugar, sorry, not supposed to swear around little kids and ladies, Sister Helen must've told me that a hundred times. I just have a little trouble saying W... - *his* name sometimes..."

Jun winced at the admission. It spoke volumes about the depth of hurt that Wufei had caused.

"Anyway, like I said, I don't blame you. He made his own choice. It isn't the one that I would have made in his place, but then I wasn't raised the way he was so I can't really judge him by that." Duo fell silent for a moment, then said, "I don't *hate* him. I'm not in love with him anymore, he destroyed that with what he did, but I do still care about him. I said a bunch of stuff to him earlier on that I hadn't intended to and I'm pretty sure I hurt him which I really didn't mean to do. I *am* sorry about that - I think there's been more than enough pain already."

Hesitantly, Jun asked, "Why not tell him this? Why tell me?" She turned slightly to more directly face Duo, shifting the bottle to her other hand in order to keep feeding Mei.

Duo met her eyes directly for a moment. "Because I don't think I can talk to him rationally yet." He dropped his gaze to watch his hands fidget with his braid again as he continued, "If I try, I'm afraid that I'll end up saying a bunch more stuff that I shouldn't. I'm still too bitter and angry and when my temper gets away from me I end up saying things I don't really mean to.

"I know Quatre said he wants to be friends with all of us again but I'm just not ready to even try that. I don't know whether I'll ever be. I'm sorry about that because we used to all be really close, even back before he and I ever became a couple. It's okay with me if the others want to be friends with him but I just - can't. I - don't make friends very easily anymore and he would have to start over from the beginning with trying to earn my friendship. I'm not ready for that and I don't really think he is either. Maybe someday but - not right now."

Jun closed her eyes for a moment in dismay. This was not at all what Wufei had hoped for. What he needed. There had been no forgiveness, no release from the guilt eating away at him. She opened her eyes and asked pleadingly, "Isn't there anything positive that you can offer him? Any relief from his guilt? He loves Mei but he feels so guilty..." Wufei would not be happy if he found out that she was pleading his case like this. Not at all. But she cared about him too much to let the chance to help him pass.

Duo sighed, his gaze travelling to the baby. His face softened slightly. "I don't know. He may find it painful to hear. But he didn't ruin my life. I *am* happy again.

"Heero and I love each other very much. He makes me happy. My happiness is one of his top priorities, maybe even his very top one. He's one of the very few people that I trust." Duo's eyes turned from Mei and met Jun's. "And I hope that someday W... *Wufei*," he forced the name out with an obvious effort, "is happy again too. I don't want him to spend the rest of his life feeling guilty and miserable. If you think hearing any of that will help, tell him. I'm sorry I can't do better than that..."

Jun nodded slightly. "Thank you," she said quietly as the others began to enter the room and seat themselves for the evening meal. It might not be what Wufei had hoped for - but it was a start.

***

Duo dropped the damp washcloth and towel in the hamper before heading back to bed. Post-coital cleanup was a nuisance but neither of them much liked waking up sticky in the morning either. So whoever took top got the job since he was usually a little less shaky afterwards. That translated to a pretty fair division of the task really. Oh, it wasn't like they had a set schedule or formally took turns or anything. Usually it was simply a matter of whoever made the first move choosing which role he preferred. And other times - like tonight - it was more a matter of who needed what. Tonight, he had needed to show Heero just how much he cherished him and Heero had needed that cosseting just as much. Had needed the lingering caresses and soft murmurs of love and appreciation. The quiet litany of all the many reasons that Duo loved him that accompanied Duo's loving worship of his body. The affirmation of the trust and love and commitment that bound them together.

Crawling into bed beside Heero, Duo wasn't at all surprised to find Heero already reaching for him. Heero was just as much of a cuddler as he was, something that had surprised him at first but made sense when Heero's strong protective instincts were taken into consideration. 'And that very brief panic attack earlier gave him more of a scare than it did me. I knew from the moment he picked me up that it was going to be short, that just being in his arms was going to be enough to stop it. But I'm sure he was imagining all sorts of dire consequences, 'specially since I hadn't had a panic attack since - god, since before that first night I slept in his arms. And despite how incredibly patient and loving he's always been with my issues regarding trust and intimacy, the thought of me relapsing had to be damn depressing.'

Spooning back against Heero and pillowing his head on Heero's arm with a contented sigh, Duo closed his eyes. Not for long, though.

"Duo?"

"Mm-hmm?"

"Are you okay with being around them tomorrow or do you want to go out for the day?"

Duo thought about that for a few minutes. Part of him was tempted to wholeheartedly agree that going away for the day was one hell of a good idea. But - he was going to have to get past his feelings if Trowa and Quatre were going to be friends with Wufei and his wife. The colonies were close enough together that weekend visits were quite practical so he was likely to be seeing Wufei's family fairly often. And he didn't want to end up hiding in his and Heero's wing the whole time they visited. That would only upset everyone else. And it *had* been almost three years. He *should* be past the bitterness and anger by now. *Would* be past at least the worst of it if he hadn't bottled it up and tried to pretend it wasn't there for so long.

"I'll be okay, I think, Heero. If my temper gets out of hand, I'll just come back up here for a while till I cool off. If the guys are going to be friends with them I'm going to have to get used to seeing him." Duo was silent for a few minutes, then he added quietly, "What about you, 'Ro? You guys used to be pretty good friends too. I know you used to really enjoy sparring with him. Verbally and physically. I don't think you said anything to him today other than his name when he arrived. Just because I'm not prepared to let him try being friends again, that doesn't mean that you can't..."

Heero's arm tightened around Duo and he growled protectively, "He hurt you. Being around him still hurts you. If you're not ready to forgive him then I'm sure as hell not about to."

'Oh shit.' Duo stroked the tense arm wrapped around him soothingly. "Ro, if he ever manages to apologize properly, I might manage to forgive him. *Might*. I don't expect him to apologize for leaving me, for making the choice he did; that's a pretty unrealistic expectation. He made his choice and he has a daughter because of it; there's no way I would ever even *want* to hear him say that he regretted what he did now and I don't think that Wufei ever would. That wouldn't be fair to the baby. But he *does* owe me an apology and I pretty much flat out told him today what he needed to apologize *for*; we'll have to wait and see whether he figures it out or not. If he does, then I'll accept the apology at least. I think the forgiving part will eventually follow that. I need to deal with the rest of this ugly bitterness and anger before that can happen but him apologizing for the right things should at least get things started, I hope.

"Right now, being around him hurts more because of the broken trust than anything else, I think. And that's something that I'm not sure he can ever fix. What he did shattered every bit of trust that I had in him and the fact that I'd misjudged him so much, had so much unfounded faith in him, left its mark. I can hardly bring myself to trust anyone *new* enough to make even casual friends; I'm not sure he of all people can ever win back enough of my trust for me to consider him a friend, let alone a close one, again. I'm sorry about that because I remember how much fun the five of us all had together as a group, how close we all were, back before he and I were ever a couple and I wish we could at least get that back.

"If you're not ready or willing to be friends with him again, then I'm damn well not going to pressure you to. But don't just refuse his friendship because I am, love. You don't have to do it just to show your solidarity with me; being friends with him is not a breach of trust with me. Just do what feels right for *you*."

Heero gave a noncommittal grunt. After a moment, he said, "I almost forgot. Trowa warned me that Wufei might ask me about the - panic attack. If he does, how much do you want me to tell him? Do you want me to tell him anything at all?"

Tough question. Duo really wasn't sure what he wanted. Part of him was embarrassed that he *had* the panic attacks in the first place and would rather just pretend they never happened. And part of him wanted Wufei to know just how badly he'd screwed up; how badly he'd hurt him and how far-reaching the effects were. But at the same time, he wasn't entirely sure that the panic attacks were even directly Wufei's fault. He might have caused them himself with the way he'd worked so hard to isolate himself, with all those barriers he'd built, during that first year after Wufei left. And the desire to blame Wufei, the wish to make sure Wufei knew and felt guilty, was something he really didn't like feeling. He knew it was part of that anger and bitterness that he needed to let go of. It was petty and cruel and the very fact that part of him would really like to see Wufei hurt made him disgusted with himself. But the tangled up mess of his emotions meant that he really wasn't sure how to answer Heero.

Duo sighed wearily. "Ro, I'll just leave it up to you. I trust your judgement. And right now, I don't trust my own - can't trust it - where he's concerned. Part of me says that he made a mistake, a big one, but that he's already paid the price. That he doesn't deserve any more hurt. That there's been way too much pain already and causing more won't make anybody feel any better about what happened. That I still care about him and I really don't want to add to his own suffering."

His voice turned hard and dark as he continued, "And another part of me says fuck that, make that bastard hurt the way he hurt me. Give him every nasty, painful little detail of just how bad he fucked up my life. Tell him that I can't trust people anymore, can't make friends, because I can't trust my own damn judgement. Because if I made such a big mistake in trusting him, in believing that our love was as important to him as it was to me, that he loved me and would stand by me through anything life might throw our way, then how can I be sure that the next friend I make won't turn around and betray me too..."

There was a harsh, aborted sound of protest and Heero's arm tightened around him even more. Duo slid his hand caressingly down Heero's arm and threaded his fingers through Heero's for a few moments, loosening the too-tight grip so that he could flip over to face Heero. "Then," he said softly, raising his hand to stroke Heero's cheek lovingly, "then, I remember that despite all the hurt and pain and mistrust, there *are* a few people I can trust. One in particular. One who's proven his love and trustworthiness over and over again." Duo smiled and kissed Heero tenderly before continuing in a whisper, "And I know that I can't give in to that impulse to hurt Wufei because there's no room for that kind of petty cruelty in my life. That I have to let go of all that bitterness and anger before it starts to creep over into other things and maybe even affect *our* relationship. And that's something that I won't let happen because I love you too damn much and what we have is too important for me to risk it because I can't let go of something that's ancient history at this point.

"So - you tell him as much or as little as you think he needs to know, okay koi?"

Heero nodded silently and pulled Duo even closer. Duo went willingly, lips meeting Heero's in a lingering kiss. Oh yes, what he and Heero had was far too important to risk for the sake of old bitterness and anger. Far, far too important...

***

"Good morning Heero! Duo!" Quatre exclaimed brightly, smiling towards the hallway door.

Wufei had wondered whether Heero and Duo would even come down for breakfast this morning. Yesterday's evening meal had been uncomfortably silent for the most part, with Quatre struggling for neutral topics of conversation and Jun gamely answering his questions about the new colony and the changes in the clan yet trying to avoid touching too closely on topics such as the elders and arranged marriages. Playing the part of the courteous clan head and guest just as graciously as Quatre played his role as head of the Winner family and their host.

All while Duo avoided even looking at Wufei. And while Heero glared and hovered protectively near Duo if Wufei so much as glanced in his direction. 'And Trowa hovered in the background, ready to intervene if either of us got out of line...' If it wasn't so damn sad that the five of them had come to this, it would be funny. But remembering the warm camaraderie that had flowed between them all in the past, the current situation wasn't funny at all. It was another painful reminder of just how high a price had been paid for his family's honour. 'Too high,' Wufei acknowledged painfully. Giving up Duo as his lover and partner in life had been bad enough. Losing both Duo's and Heero's friendship as well, straining the bonds between the five of them - bonds that were forged in the heat of battle, that had held up under incredible stress in the past, that had survived fighting on opposite sides of a rebellion - straining those unbelievably durable bonds to their breaking point, only made things worse. He was beginning to seriously question the wisdom of trying to resume his friendship with any of the others. To fear that in doing so, he would tear apart the four who had remained close and continue to compound the damage caused by his actions.

But even considering giving up *all* of their friendships for good *hurt*. Hurt a great deal more than he would have ever believed possible. 'Will I never be done paying the price?' Wufei thought painfully.

Dragging his thoughts back to the events around him, Wufei realized that both Duo and Heero looked more relaxed today. That neither of them was moving with the coiled tension that they had the previous day. His breath caught as Duo turned to accept a glass of juice that Heero offered to him and for an instant, a soft, affectionate smile graced Duo's face. The first trace of a smile that Wufei had seen on Duo's face since he arrived yesterday. And despite the tiny bit of hurt that it was clearly just for Heero, despite the flicker of pain that those loving smiles would never be *his* again, Wufei was glad to see it. Because that small, gentle smile told him quite clearly exactly how happy Heero made Duo. Confirmed that Duo was in love with Heero and happy again.

And that - helped. It wasn't the forgiveness that he wanted but - as Jun had gently pointed out to him - it was a start. As was the very fact that Duo had made the effort to speak to Jun the previous night. That he had told her that he hoped Wufei would eventually be happy again too. 'If he can be generous enough to hope for that, then at least what I did has not changed him beyond recognition. It did not make him hardhearted or cruel.'

But it *had* changed Duo. That much was clear. His subdued behaviour was not drawing unusual notice from Quatre or Trowa or even the household staff, leading Wufei to believe that it was not solely due to his presence. That it was in fact what they all expected him to behave like. And when he put that together with Jun's remark that Duo had said he did not make friends very easily... It disturbed him. Watching as Trowa and Duo spoke, Heero listening in with a look of quiet contentment, Wufei decided that he would have to speak to Heero. Hopefully, the better mood he seemed to be in would extend to him and Heero would at least give him civil answers to his questions.

Wufei firmly quashed the faint hope that Heero would be willing to be more than merely civil, that he would be willing to be friends again. He was reasonably certain that unless Duo was at least willing to forgive him, Heero would not be open to friendship. Heero's disapproval of his actions had been extremely clear at the time and now, after whatever had happened between his departure and the present, Wufei doubted that his attitude would have changed. He still found that a bit surprising. Heero was the one person that he would have expected to genuinely understand that he *had* to put duty first; that his own personal wishes must of necessity be subject to the dictates of duty. He found it hard to believe that Heero himself would have acted any differently given a conflict between duty and his personal life.

***

"Yuy? May I speak with you please?"

Heero stifled the urge to growl a belligerent "no" in response to Wufei's question. Duo's insistence that he should follow his own feelings in terms of deciding how to deal with Wufei hadn't helped. Particularly considering that his gut instinct was to simply haul off and hit him. To knock him on his damn "honourable" ass. Which was at least slightly better than the urge he'd had in the past to beat him to a bloody pulp. No matter how many times he reminded himself that he really *did* understand what drove Wufei to act the way he had, the simple fact remained that Wufei had hurt Duo very badly and that single thing was enough to make him furious with the other man. Regardless of the fact that Wufei's actions had eventually led to his relationship with Duo and his own happiness.

With an effort, Heero managed to keep a reasonably civil tone as he replied, "I suppose." It wasn't like this was really a surprise; he'd known that Wufei was probably going to seek him out and want to talk to him. Was probably going to ask questions about Duo. That was why he'd consulted with Duo last night about how he should *answer* those questions, after all. And this *was* the first time this morning that he and Duo had been apart. Although Duo would be returning shortly, Heero knew that there was no great rush; that once Duo spotted Wufei talking with him, he would stay clear and wait for a signal before interrupting.

Agreeing to speak with Wufei didn't mean that he had to make it *easy* for him, though, Heero decided. So he simply stood and waited, not giving Wufei any sort of encouragement or assistance in getting started. After several moments of uncomfortable silence, Wufei finally said, "Trowa said that was a panic attack that Duo had yesterday. He implied that it was not the first and said that if I wanted to know anything further, I should ask you."

"Trowa warned me that you might ask," Heero said coolly. He wanted to be sure that Wufei understood that he wouldn't talk about this or anything else behind Duo's back, so he continued, "Duo told me to use my own judgement in answering your questions. So go ahead and ask but I will not guarantee that I will answer everything."

Wufei's eyes widened slightly then he nodded. "Was that a panic attack and has Duo had them before?"

"Yes, and the one yesterday was a very mild one. And yes, he has had them before though not since he and I became a couple." Heero avoided saying lovers since the end of the panic attacks predated that by over a month. As far as he was concerned, they were a couple starting from the night that Duo had first slept in his arms. That had been the true turning point in their relationship, the event that showed just how much Duo trusted him. And while the trust hadn't been absolute yet then, it had been enough for their relationship to truly begin.

Wufei hesitated, then asked, "Does something specific trigger them off?"

Heero looked him straight in the eyes and said bluntly, "Intimacy. Whether hugging or kissing or words of love. Once we figured out the main triggers, we worked around them until Duo was able to get past that point. Till he was able to trust enough to handle those things without triggering an attack. Till he was able to leave the past behind enough not to get swamped by memories and trigger an attack." On this, Heero was not going to pull any punches. Wufei had to understand how he'd set Duo off yesterday so that he didn't do it again. Perhaps it was a bit cruel to make this quite so clear to Wufei, particularly when Duo *had* gotten over this where Heero was concerned, but Heero did *not* want any further instances. They were damn scary things for everyone involved and if Wufei set Duo off when he wasn't close by... Heero suppressed a shiver at the thought. He added hastily, "If he *does* happen to have one, do *NOT* touch him or try to comfort him; you'll only make things worse. I can help because he trusts me." He didn't bother adding the obvious. That Duo did *not* trust Wufei.

Watching Wufei pale and sway slightly, Heero suddenly understood why Duo had been so torn over this. Part of him was gloating that Wufei was finally understanding just how badly he'd hurt Duo. The rest of him wished he hadn't said anything because he'd just caused even more pain to someone who was once a very good friend. Just as much of a friend as Quatre and Trowa still were. Someone that he'd trusted to watch his back in dangerous situations. And it *was* a case of causing *more* pain - he had seen Wufei watching Duo and himself together; had seen the expressions flickering across his face. The grief, the guilt, the longing. The mixture of happiness and sorrow when Duo smiled at Heero or took his hand. Feelings that he understood all too well, having experienced them himself while he was still just Duo's best friend, hiding his love and longing behind an impassive mask while Duo smiled for and cuddled with Wufei.

'Duo's right. Wufei has already paid enough; has already suffered enough. He does not need to know just how difficult this has been for Duo; I'm sure that he has been going through his own version of hell over the past couple of years. And much of what happened to Duo is really too private to share unnecessarily.'

With an obvious effort, Wufei said, "Duo mentioned something about being practically catatonic after I broke the news to him. He said that you and Quatre spoon-fed him..."

Heero took pity on the difficulty Wufei was having in finding a way to ask the question. "Catatonic is perhaps a bit extreme. He was - very withdrawn. Disinterested in everything. Yes, I will admit that we had to care for him for a while but he did come out of it on his own." Eventually. Sort of. If deciding to isolate himself from the world and trying to get himself killed in the line of duty qualified. 'Oh shit... If Wufei didn't know that...' "You never watched the vid-disk that I gave you, did you," he stated flatly.

Clearly confused by the abrupt change of subject, Wufei shook his head. "No. I could not afford to weaken my resolve. I kept a copy for a while but in the end I deleted it without watching it." His eyes jerked up to meet Heero's as he obviously put the seemingly unrelated statement together with what Heero had said before that. "You mean..."

Sighing, Heero nodded slightly. "Had you not already destroyed it, I would have suggested doing so. It could do no one any good at this point." He glanced towards the hallway, guessing that the shadow he had seen a moment ago was Duo returning. "Was there anything else you wanted to know?" He hoped not. There was little else that he would be willing to tell even if Wufei *did* have further questions. Telling Wufei about the unnecessary risk-taking and Duo's attempts to isolate himself throughout that first year was completely unnecessary and would only cause Duo discomfort at the reminder. Further mention of Duo's difficulty in trusting others and the resultant difficulty in making new friends was equally pointless. "There is not much else that I am willing to say..." Heero warned.

Wufei shook his head, then just as Heero began to move away, said, "Wait - Yuy - why did the two of you leave Preventers? I thought that you of all people would never leave..."

"He quit because Une tried to order him on a six-month deep cover mission away from me," Duo said quietly, walking in from the hall. Heero extended one arm slightly and Duo responded to the invitation immediately, stepping close to Heero's side and sliding his arm around Heero's waist. Heero wrapped his own arm around Duo and squeezed gently. This response was actually stronger than he'd expected; he'd simply held out his hand for Duo to take it. 'His respiration is slightly elevated... The conversation is drifting too close to sensitive territory and beginning to upset him...'

"What?!" Wufei exclaimed disbelievingly.

"There was no real reason for me to be the one to take the mission," Heero said with a slight shrug. "I refused, she insisted, I quit. I know where my priorities are."

"But - it was your duty..."

"Had the mission genuinely required *me*, we could have restructured it so that Duo and I would go undercover together." Heero rubbed Duo's tense back reassuringly as he spoke. "If she'd refused to allow that - well, if it had been absolutely essential, Duo and I would have sat down together and discussed it. Came up with options that we could both live with. Decided what to do together." Heero met Wufei's eyes directly and said pointedly, "Like partners *should*." He sincerely hoped that Wufei got the point. Duo needed that particular apology just as much as Wufei needed Duo's forgiveness. And as much as Duo needed to forgive Wufei as part of the whole healing process. Unless Wufei figured out what he truly needed to apologize for, Duo would probably never forgive him. The hurt ran too deep.

Heero added, "But the mission wasn't that important and the Preventers have plenty of other qualified agents. Our relationship was and is more important to both of us. So we quit and moved on. Quatre offered us jobs here and a place to live. We discussed it and came to a mutual decision to accept Quatre's offer. So now, Duo works with WEI's charity division and helps out in security on an as-needed basis while I've joined Trowa in running WEI's security division and handling Quatre's private security as well. And in a few years when the head of the charity division retires, Duo will take over that position. We both put in our fair share of hours but we have time left for our relationship too. Quatre makes sure of that for *all* of WEI's employees. No one is ever expected to put in so many hours that their personal life suffers. Not even Quatre himself, the three of us make sure of that."

"Heero, are you ready to go for that swim now?" Duo asked after the room fell silent. The tightness of Duo's arm around his waist told Heero that what he really wanted was just to get out of there.

"Sure," Heero answered immediately. "Wufei and I are done talking." His tone conveyed clearly that he had no intention of answering any further questions. He just hoped that some of what he had said got through to Wufei. That the other man finally figured out that he needed to apologize to Duo for making that very important decision to end their relationship and obey the elders without talking it over with him first. Between the very large hint that Duo had dropped yesterday and the ones that he had just dropped, Wufei should manage to figure it out. It wouldn't mean anything if he ended up flat-out *telling* Wufei what to apologize for. The issue of the actual decision had stopped being important a long time ago when Duo stopped trusting Wufei and stopped being in love with him. What remained was the hurt and bitterness and anger over the way that Wufei had handled the entire thing.

***

Wufei sank into a chair as Heero and Duo left the room. He had no idea how much time he spent sitting there. He was too lost in thought to care. The conversation with Heero had left him with a great deal to think about. 'Heero Yuy *refused* a mission for personal reasons... Because he wouldn't leave Duo behind for six months... He *quit* the Preventers over it...' Closing his eyes and shaking his head slightly, Wufei realized why Duo loved Heero so much and clearly trusted him so much. 'Because Heero chose love over duty. Because he passed the test that I, in Duo's eyes, failed...'

But Wufei couldn't truthfully say that he would change his decision, even knowing everything that he now knew. He did not think that either the elders or himself would have been satisfied with the alternative solution that had been mentioned. Did not think that such a tricky, slippery, technical fulfilment of the marriage contract's terms would have been an honourable solution. A solution that he could have lived with. For one thing, he did not think that he could have lived on Earth and left his child to be raised on the colony without his own influence. That he could have abdicated his responsibility to his own flesh-and-blood like that. And moving to the colony in order to be near his child would not have been a viable solution. The elders would have made sure of that; would have made sure that Duo felt their displeasure at his relationship with Wufei, at his influence on Wufei, every minute that he was within their sphere of influence. In the end, Wufei would have been left facing the choice of remaining near his child or leaving with his lover - and once again, honour would have left him with only one possible course of action. 'And the end result would have been the same, only delayed by a few short years, years that would probably have been increasingly uncomfortable for everyone involved...'

And he couldn't entirely regret his decision because of Meilan, his beautiful baby girl. And because of the changes that Jun was introducing in the clan, changes that he was helping to implement. Changes that would guarantee the happiness of their daughter's generation and those that followed. Changes that would ensure that choices like his own and Jun's would never have to be made again.

So that left him no further ahead than when he boarded the shuttle to come here. He still did not know how to begin to mend his friendship with Duo or to at least obtain Duo's forgiveness. His attempted apology yesterday was clearly not the one Duo wanted to hear. He couldn't apologize for his actual choice because he could not apologize for the existence of his very loved, very wanted, daughter. So - what *was* he supposed to apologize for? What exactly did he *need* to apologize for? Wufei knew that the clues were undoubtedly in what Duo had said to him yesterday and what Heero had said today. He just needed to find them.

***

Jun packed the last of the baby's things and checked the room carefully for anything that she might have overlooked. It was nearly time for them to leave for the shuttleport to make the trip back to their own colony. She was ready to go though not as anxious to escape the tense, uncomfortable situation as she had been last night. Today had been much less stressful.

At breakfast, everyone had been more relaxed. And while she was outside with Mei just before lunch, she had been drawn to the pool area by the sound of splashing and bright laughter. She had hurriedly retreated once she realized that the sounds were being made by Duo and Heero; she hadn't wanted to intrude on their privacy and create another uncomfortable situation. But she had caught a brief glimpse of mischievous grins and had been amazed at the difference happiness made in them both. Heero had impressed her as stern and almost sullen yet as he playfully splashed Duo he'd seemed far warmer and more open. And Duo's solemn, wary face had been happy and full of mischief as he responded with even more vigorous splashes. Neither of them looked anything like the versions of themselves that she had experienced so far.

Lunch had been a bit quiet. Quatre had tried to keep the conversation going but Wufei had been lost in thought and Duo and Heero had been late joining them. The two of them had arrived just as the rest of them were finishing their meal, Duo's braid dampening his shirt and clearly the reason for the delay since Heero finished braiding it and slipped an elastic on the end just as they entered the room, apologizing for their tardiness. 'I do not blame them for taking their time in joining us. They were clearly enjoying themselves.' And it was just more proof that Duo was, as he had told her the previous night, happy again. That Heero *made* him happy. And it was equally clear that Heero loved Duo and that Duo made *him* happy. Because she had great difficulty imagining the serious, rather forbidding man having a splash-war and laughing so hard he could barely tread water with someone that he *didn't* care very deeply for.

As she placed her suitcase and the baby's bags beside Wufei's luggage, Jun thought, 'Now if only Wufei and I can find at least a measure of that same happiness.' She hoped so. Hoped that Wufei could move past his guilt and *allow* himself to be happy again. Because while she would not say that she was in love with him she did care for him and respect him. She knew as well that Wufei respected her and cared for her well-being, both as his wife and as the mother of his child. And while a mutual caring and respect combined with a shared love for their daughter was better than nothing, was in fact more than many of her clan's arranged marriages *ever* had, Jun hoped that with time, that caring and respect would turn to more. That they too would have a second chance at love.

***

As Wufei followed Trowa down the stairs, carrying the last of the luggage out to the front step, ready to be loaded as soon as the limousine was brought around, he hoped that Duo would show up before they left. He knew now what he needed to apologize for. Knew too *why* he had made that particular mistake in the first place. Why he had been so slow to acknowledge that it *was* a mistake. But by the time he had finally admitted to himself what that important apology was, Duo and Heero had disappeared off to their own wing again and he had been distinctly reluctant to go in search of them. To seek them out in what was clearly their own territory. Quatre had mentioned that the staff did not even enter their part of the wing except at certain set times; it was truly their own space within the huge house.

Part of Wufei's reluctance to go find them was simply that he did not wish to intrude on their territory. The other part was his fear that he would interrupt something that would only make it even more clear that Duo and Heero were - together. 'That they are *lovers*, Chang. At least admit it to yourself. It hurts to watch them together when they are merely holding hands; catching them kissing or in an even more intimate moment would be excruciatingly painful as well as being damn embarrassing for all of us.' He was - coming to terms with the fact that Duo was completely, irrevocably, Heero's now, just as Heero was quite clearly Duo's, body, heart, and soul. But it was going to take some time to reach the point where he did not flinch away from the thought. To reach the point where his happiness for Duo's sake outweighed his own jealousy and grief. The point where that happiness was not so heavily tinged with regret for what might have been.

***

"We don't have to go see them off if you don't want to," Heero said softly, raising his eyes from the chessboard to meet Duo's. He reached out one hand to still Duo's nervous tapping of a captured pawn against the tabletop.

Duo let go of the chess piece and turned his hand over to clasp Heero's. "No, I'm okay, 'Ro. I guess - I'm just hoping that he's finally figured things out. I *want* to let go of all the hurt and bitterness and anger but I'm not sure whether I can until he apologizes for the way he acted. For ignoring the fact that I was supposed to be his partner in life and making a life-altering decision that affected us both without giving me any say in it." He was silent for a moment, then said hesitantly, "I'm not being unrealistic am I 'Ro? Thinking that he should have at least talked things over with me even if he didn't go along with what I wanted?"

Heero stood and tugged Duo to his feet as well, pulling him into his arms in a reassuring hug. "No, koi, you're not. And I think that he *will* figure it out eventually even if he hasn't yet." 'Even if I have to drop a few hints to Quatre and have him pass them on, Wufei *will* figure this out and apologize,' he thought grimly. He really couldn't understand why it had even taken him this long to figure things out. He had expected Wufei to approach them after lunch and ask to speak to Duo alone again; the fact that he had not had puzzled Heero. Wufei was not usually this dense. And he knew from various things that had been mentioned during the conversations about Jun's changes to the clan that Wufei and Jun *did* discuss important decisions on a regular basis. Though of course since Jun was the one with the actual authority, there was not a great deal of choice there, Wufei *had* to have her agreement before implementing any changes.

Duo sighed, his breath puffing against Heero's neck. "Mmm. Instant stress relief - one hug from Heero Yuy. If I could bottle this feeling and sell it, I'd be richer than Q."

Heero's throat tightened along with his arms. He knew Duo loved him; knew that Duo loved being held by him. The readiness with which Duo sought out his arms told him that. But hearing Duo express it through comments like this was even better. Reluctantly, he said, "It's almost time for them to leave, love. If you want to be there to see them off, we'd better head downstairs."

Duo's head moved against his shoulder in a nod of acknowledgement and Duo's arms tightened around him for a moment before loosening. "Okay. Let's go then."

***

Duo left his fingers entwined with Heero's as they joined the others near the front door. That bit of support helped more than he could even begin to explain. Facing Wufei still hurt. Would probably hurt for a long time to come. And he wasn't sure that his feelings towards his former lover would ever be completely free of that mixed-up tangle of caring and hurt and mistrust and regret. There was too much between the five of them for anything to ever truly destroy every trace of the caring that they all had for each other. But there were far too many other feelings added to that for him to ever feel anything even remotely close to the love that he had felt for Wufei before. Too many negative feelings.

The lack of trust was one of the strongest and one of the ones that hurt the most. It was a damn good thing that they no longer had to go into battle together because he no longer trusted Wufei enough to let him watch his back. No longer trusted him with his life let alone his heart and soul. Duo regretted that loss even more than he regretted losing Wufei.

Falling in love with Heero couldn't *replace* being in love with Wufei. His love for Heero was different from the love he'd once felt for Wufei; each love was unique and one was not merely a substitute for the other. But falling in love with Heero, being loved by Heero, *had* more than made up for losing Wufei, for falling out of love with him. Although the love between Heero and Duo was different than what he had had with Wufei, it was no less. Was in fact becoming stronger and deeper with time, as their relationship deepened. So although a small part of Duo still loved Wufei along with the others that he had loved and lost, and another small part of him loved his "family" - the other Gundam pilots including Wufei, the rest of his heart belonged to Heero. And that made up for losing Wufei as his lover, as his life-mate.

The shattered trust, though, was a different story altogether.

It was the betrayal, the breach of trust, that had sent Duo into such deep shock right at the time of Wufei's announcement. That had sent him reeling without a fight from the blow Wufei dealt him. Nothing could ever replace or even make up for the trust that had been lost. That had been a unique thing, forged in battle and friendship and peace and love, and it could never be truly restored or replaced. The trust that he had in Trowa and Quatre and the even greater trust he had in Heero were things that he valued very highly. And each of those was equally unique and irreplaceable. But they all had already existed; no new one had come into being to fill the hole left by the loss of his trust in Wufei. So although he still had *those* bonds of trust and friendship, they could not make up for the one that was lost, irredeemably shattered, by what Wufei had done.

As the goodbyes between everyone concluded, Wufei came to stand in front of Duo. Duo met his gaze levelly, far better prepared to face Wufei today than he had been yesterday. The talks that he had had with Heero since then had helped him come to terms a bit more with the hurt and anger and bitterness. He no longer felt that he could barely control his temper, that he could scarcely restrain himself from deliberately saying things to hurt Wufei. And Heero's silent, steady presence at his side reminded him that no matter how badly Wufei had hurt him, he had something truly wonderful now to make up for all the pain. That in the end, the greatest loss was Wufei's because he had lost two friends not just one, as well as losing the one he loved.

And Wufei had not found a second chance at love as Duo had. At least not yet. Though Duo could see the caring that Jun clearly had for Wufei, caring that she had shown in her conversation with him the previous day. And Duo hoped that, in time, the two of them would come to love one another. Because he did not think that either of them deserved to be trapped in a loveless marriage and their daughter deserved to have parents who loved each other as well as her. Deserved to have a loving family.

Wufei took a deep breath then began, "Duo, I know that I can never truly make up for the way that I hurt you. I am sorry that I hurt you but I know that does not change the fact that I *did*. I do not know whether it would have changed anything - I am not certain that any alternative options would have truly satisfied both the elders and myself that they fulfilled the contract and preserved my family's honour - but I should not have given them a decision without discussing it with you first. All that I can say in my defence is that I could not bear to go over all the arguments with you that I had already gone through with the elders. And I *did* argue with them; argued for many hours. Argued that my heart was committed elsewhere; that *I* was committed elsewhere. The simple fact remained that the marriage contract predated any commitment that I had made and thus took precedence. That the commitment made by my family rendered any more recent commitments that I had made null and void. And I finally had to submit to them. To agree that I would honour the contract.

"I could not face going over those same arguments again with you. Could not be certain that I would be able to stand firm. Reaching the decision the first time was so difficult and painful that I feared I might back out if I had to do it all over again. And if I *had* backed out, if I had refused the elders, it would have eaten away at me, and the regret that I had forsaken my duty would have eventually turned my love for you to resentment..." His voice dropped to a mere whisper as he finished, "And that I could not bear to imagine..."

Duo tightened his grip on Heero's fingers as Wufei spoke. When Wufei bowed deeply and said a final soft, "I'm sorry," Duo had to blink rapidly and swallow hard. He could understand why Wufei had done things the way he had, the explanation made sense, but he still disagreed with it. Wufei should have given him the opportunity to discuss the situation. Should have given him equal rights in the decision since it affected him too.

But Wufei *had* apologized, simply and sincerely. He didn't think that he could honestly say that he forgave Wufei. Not yet. He was going to have to think this through, work through the rest of the lingering bitterness and anger. But he *could* at least give Wufei this much...

Squeezing Heero's fingers firmly for an instant first, Duo slipped his hand free of Heero's and reached out to touch Wufei's shoulder lightly. "I accept your apology," he said quietly. "I can't honestly say that I forgive you. Not yet. In time... Perhaps. And I will tell you the same thing that I have already told the others - don't let the fact that I'm not prepared to be friends again keep you from being friends with those who *are*."

Wufei straightened slowly as Duo drew his hand away. "Thank you," he said simply, dipping his head in acknowledgement, before turning to leave.

Duo sought Heero's hand again, drawing comfort from the warm fingers firmly clasping his own. Once the door closed behind the others, he turned towards Heero, stepping into the embrace that was waiting for him.

"How do you feel?" Heero asked softly.

Duo sighed and answered honestly, "A little sad. Not quite so angry. Relieved. Kind of tired. A little bit sorry for Wufei because he doesn't have *this* with someone..." He snuggled his head against Heero's shoulder, his arms tightening around him. Despite the fact that he'd admitted he was tired, the broad yawn caught him by surprise. "Sorry, 'Ro. Make that 'really tired'," he admitted wearily. "Guess the whole weekend just suddenly caught up to me..."

"Come on then, let's go raid the kitchen for a snack then go to bed," Heero suggested. "I know you've got a full day scheduled tomorrow..."

"Mmm-hmm," Duo nodded, giving in to Heero's gentle nudges and allowing himself to be turned around and headed towards the kitchen. An early night sounded like a pretty good idea. The extra sleep would make sure he was ready for the meetings he had tomorrow. And he knew that Heero had sleep in mind, not - other activities. The tone of his voice was protective and comforting, not the least bit teasing or suggestive. And that was fine with him; simply lying together wrapped in each other's arms was a huge source of comfort for both of them. He stopped for a moment to give Heero a slow, sleepy smile and say softly, "Love you, 'Ro."

Heero smiled back and murmured, "Love you too." His tone changed and he continued half-teasingly, "Now come on, let's get you fed before you fall asleep at the table on me."

Duo grinned and wrinkled up his nose, "Okay, okay, I'm going..." He stifled another yawn as Heero prodded him into motion again. Yep, he definitely felt sorry for Wufei - honour and duty couldn't possibly begin to replace this...

***

Settling back in his shuttle seat with a sigh, Wufei was glad to be heading back home. Being around Duo, having to watch him together with Heero, was too difficult to bear for longer than a weekend. It wasn't as if the two of them had been particularly blatant either. They had held hands a few times and on that one specific occasion while he was speaking with Heero they had wrapped an arm around each other but for the most part they had simply been near each other. And yet that alone had been enough to remind him painfully of just what he had given up.

The entire weekend had been extremely difficult. Finding out just how badly he had hurt Duo left his heart aching - and he was certain that there was more, that there were things that had not been mentioned. If there had not been, Heero would not have been so firm in his statement that there was not much more he was willing to say. Part of Wufei wanted to know what those things were. The rest of him acknowledged that he had no right and if Duo and Heero chose not to tell him then he had no business trying to find out. And he also realized that perhaps it was better that he not know. That knowing would only increase his own sorrow and regret for the pain he had caused.

Wufei had mixed feelings about the weekend. He had not received the forgiveness that he had hoped for; merely acceptance of his apology and the possibility of future forgiveness. And seeing Duo happy with someone else had been painful. But at the same time, seeing Duo with Heero had assured him that Duo genuinely *was* happy again. And watching Heero with Duo - knowing how highly Heero valued his relationship with Duo - made it clear that Duo would *stay* happy as long as there was anything in Heero's power that would keep him that way. 'Which means that at least Mei is not the *only* good thing to have resulted from my choice...'

And at least Duo did not hate him. He was not in love with him anymore but he did still care about him enough to have told Jun that he hoped Wufei would be happy again someday. And glancing across at his beautiful baby girl and his graceful, determined wife, Wufei dared to hope that maybe someday he would be. That perhaps what he had would be enough. Someday.

***

Heero woke in the middle of the night, suddenly aware that his bedmate was missing. Listening for a moment, he decided that Duo was not merely in their bathroom and judging by the coolness of the spot next to him, Duo had been up for a while. Concerned, he rose and pulled on a bathrobe before venturing out into the hallway in search of Duo. A sliver of light from the partially-open door to the computer room caught his attention.

Duo turned as the door swung fully open in response to Heero's touch. "Sorry, koi, I didn't mean to wake you," he said apologetically. "I just needed to think about a few things and thought looking at a few of these might help..."

Heero moved to look over Duo's shoulder and wasn't surprised to see photos of the five pilots together displaying on the screen in a continuous slideshow. He knew that Duo had been struggling to let go of the last of his anger and forgive Wufei. It had been several months already since he had accepted Wufei's apology and Duo was finding forgiveness harder to manage than he had expected. The fact that he was finding it so difficult bothered him; Duo wasn't used to holding grudges.

Leaning his head back against Heero, Duo asked him quietly, "Do you have any of the pictures from when Wufei and I were together, koi? I destroyed all of mine... I think I'm ready to forgive him but I need to face what he and I had together first..."

Heero leaned over Duo's shoulder and typed in a few quick commands, pulling up some of his archived files. He knew that Duo could have gotten into them if he'd chosen to go looking for them but he also knew that Duo wouldn't do something like that behind his back. Trust had always been important to Duo but since what happened with Wufei it had become even more so. "There's not a lot of them," Heero warned, "but if I remember correctly some of them are going to be very rough to look at." He was fairly certain that there were at least a dozen taken on the day that Wufei and Duo had moved into their new house. Most of his own photos tended to be group ones or singles of Duo from before he and Wufei got together. Some of Duo and himself together before he'd figured out that he loved Duo. He'd avoided keeping photos of Duo and Wufei together since they had been difficult for him to look at but Duo had been so happy in those ones when they moved into their house that he had deliberately kept them to remind himself why he would never do anything to jeopardize that happiness.

Pressing a gentle kiss to Duo's temple, Heero straightened, intending to leave him to view the photos in privacy. A soft, "Stay?" stopped him in his tracks.

"If you want me to, of course," Heero answered. He reached out and pulled another chair over beside Duo's and took a seat. Duo's hand reached for his immediately while Duo's opposite hand reached out to tap the keyboard, starting the display of the images from Heero's files.

***

'Heero wasn't kidding when he said some of these were going to be rough to look at,' Duo thought as the images shifted across the screen. Images of him laughing in Wufei's arms. Of Wufei indulgently posing sprawled on the rug in front of the fireplace with him. Of the two of them serving the first meal in their new home to the moving crew that consisted solely of the other three ex-pilots. Of the two of them very clearly happy and in love.

Deliberately stirring up the painful memories, poking at the half-healed wounds, *hurt*. But - and this was why he'd wanted some of these photos that showed the love between Wufei and himself - no more than looking at archived news photos of the church and Father and Sister Helen did. The ache of loss had dimmed now. Looking at these photos of Wufei and himself as a couple was for the most part only very slightly more painful than looking at those of the five of them laughing and playing together as the tight-knit group of friends that they used to be.

And thinking about what Wufei had done, about the way that Wufei had handled the entire situation, made him unhappy and disappointed rather than bitter and angry. He still wasn't ready to let Wufei try to earn his friendship again. Still wasn't sure whether he would ever be ready for that, whether he could ever trust Wufei even that much again. But he was ready to forgive him. To let go of that last bit of the past and move on.

Duo sighed and gave Heero's hand a gentle squeeze of thanks before sliding his own free and reaching out to stop the slideshow from looping again. A few quick taps brought up the mail program and in a moment he had created a new message addressed to Wufei. He typed a very brief message. Before he could send it however, Heero reached past him and added two words of his own. He gave Duo a small but warm smile and said simply, "If you're ready, then I am."

Nodding, Duo leaned against Heero's shoulder while Heero sent the message. Once it was gone, he caught Heero's hand in his own as he rose from the chair. "Time for bed if we want to make it through the day without falling asleep at our desks," he said. As Heero rose too and they started off towards their bedroom, Duo added silently, 'Time to leave the past behind once and for all and move on - together...'

***

Doing his morning email check, Wufei froze at the sight of a message from Duo. The subject had been left blank and he almost dreaded opening the message. He hadn't heard a word from Duo - or Heero - since his visit to Quatre's several months ago, despite the fact that Quatre and Trowa corresponded regularly with him and had even been to his colony to visit twice in that time period. Slowly, he moved to open the message. A single word accompanied by two names. 'Forgiven.'